Fun Survey
| What time is it | 14:05 |
| What's your full name | Duane Edward Williams |
| What are you most afraid of | Living too much longer |
| What is the most recent movie that you have seen on bootleg | none |
| Place of birth | Chance SD -Took a chance and look.... |
| Favorite food | Genuine Fried Chicken w/ pot & gravy |
| What's your natural hair color | Brown |
| Ever been to Freak Nick | Never heard of it |
| Ever been skinny dipping | yes |
| Love someone so much they made you cry | Yes/I think all of us have.... |
| Been in a car accident | Yes 6 Mo. recuperating |
| Croutons or bacon bits | neither |
| Favorite day of the week | Friday |
| Favorite restaurant | Morning Side |
| Favorite Flower | Hyacinth |
| Favorite sport to watch | Fights |
| Favorite drink | Water or Brandy Alexander occasionly |
| Favorite ice cream | Black Walnut |
| Warner Brothers/Disney | That's a difference? |
| Ever been on a ship | Yes |
| What color is your bedroom carpet | It's new but difficult to define |
| How many times did you fail your driver's test | Once |
| Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail | Fayzee & Bxgladiator |
| What do you do when you are bored | I'm rarely bored, but would read |
| What is Bedtime | Start 10:00 get there by Midnight |
| Who will respond to this e-mail the quickest | Hard to say if any will |
| Who will least likely respond | you |
| Who is the person that you are most curious to see their responses | Everyone/anyone who responds |
| Favorite TV shows | Americas Funniest Video's |
| Last person you went to dinner with | Tom in going out..Brother if at home |
| Park or Zoo | Zoo/both |
| What are your favorite colors | Light blue/Green |
| How many tattoos do you have | just removeable ones for rally fun |
| How many pets do you have | None now, like training dogs & goldfish |
| Which came first, the chicken or the egg | Good Lord's gotta figure this one!! |
| What do you want to do before you die? | Be ready! Am ready |
| Have you ever been to Hawaii | No |
| Have you been to countries outside the U.S. | Yes |
| How many people are you sending this e-mail to? | Haven't decided yet |
| Tim e this survey ended | 14:16 |
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Well Worth Watching!!!
This is not political, this is so worth one's time to listen and know just what some of us have known for many years (especially those of us who are "too old to understand") quote-unquote. Just listen to all the promises of today, and look at all of the programs on the books that require billions, and then add a few more trillion for later years. If and that is a big IF, we do not wake up, your children and grandchildren will never know the wonderful country we have enjoyed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OS2fI2p9iVs
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What I've Learned
- Ø I've learned....That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets
> to the end, the faster it goes.
>
> I've learned....That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask
> for.
>
> I've learned....That money doesn't buy class.
>
> I've learned...That it's those small daily happenings that make life so
> spectacular.
>
> I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be
> appreciated and loved.
>
> I've learned....That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me
> think I can?
>
> I've learned....That to ignore the facts does not
> change the facts.
>
> I've learned....That the less time I have to work, the more things I get
> done.
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Fun to do
It's fun to go look at different cities around the globe, also quite educational!!
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The End of Colds & Flu?
Why do people catch the flu in the winter? The answer to the riddle comes to us from the unlikeliest of places: a maximum security prison!
Back in 2005, the Atascadero prison in California was hit with a severe flu outbreak. Inmates from all over the prison got sick. Yet one ward was unaffected. None of the prisoners in that ward got the flu - even after they mingled with infected inmates from other wards!
Why didn't the prisoners in that ward get sick? It turns out that the doctor in that ward was doing something the other doctors weren't: He was giving the prisoners daily doses of vitamin D.
Yes, vitamin D. We've known for years that vitamin D protects you against a whole host of illnesses, including osteoporosis and cancer. But recent research shows that vitamin D protects you against infections, too. That's because vitamin D stimulates your body to make a powerful germ-fighting substance called cathelicidin. And some scientists believe that cathelicidin just might be the most powerful natural antibiotic ever discovered!
It all makes sense. We know that our bodies make less vitamin D in the winter because there's less sunlight. So the reason we get sick in the winter has nothing to do with the cold; it has to do with the fact that our vitamin D levels are lower!
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The South
> THE SOUTH---YOU GOTTA LOVE IT
>
> Tennessee
> The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
>
> The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
> Alabama
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
>
> 'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.
>
> 'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
>
> 'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Texas
>
> The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head". "Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Louisiana
>
> A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Mississippi
>
> The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
>
> Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
>
> The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Georgia
>
> A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D. ?'
>
> The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> North Carolina
>
> A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
>
> Then he got back in the ca r to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
>
> The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
>
> The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
>
> The man responded, 'Whe n you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> And this from South Carolina
>
> 'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.'
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Confucius says:
... man with tight trousers, pressing his luck.
... man who throw dirt, losing ground.
... man who fishes in other's holes, get crabs.
... he who live in stone house, should not throw glasses.
... cow with no legs, ground beef.
... two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn.
... baby born in car with automatic transmission, grow to become
shiftless.
... bird in hand, make difficult to blow nose.
... finding old man in dark, not hard.
... man trapped in pantry, have ass in jam.
... man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money.
... man who go to bed with itchy ass, wake with stinky finger.
... war not determine who right, war determine who left.
... naked man fear no pickpocket.
... squirrel who run up woman's leg, not find nuts.
... woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom.
... support bacteria, is only culture some people have.
... man who eat too many jellybean, fart in Technicolor.
... man who marry girl with no bust, have right to feel low down.
... man with athletic finger, make broad jump.
... man who speak with forked tongue, should not kiss balloons.
... he who sit on upturned tack, rise above all.
... even greatest of whales, helpless in desert.
... wash face in morning, neck at night.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who eat many prunes sit on toilet many moons.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Thanks to Squirrelzone for these last 3!!
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The Lie Detector – Hilarious
gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting
home?", they asked.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project" said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking
him completely out of his chair.
"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went
after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking
him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse
right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!"
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her
three times
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Confessions
Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, "Hey girls, we have been good friends for too long and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will."
The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."
"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"
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Fun Facts
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
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Fun Info
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
------------------------------------------------------------------------
if a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
A. One thousand
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
------------------------------------------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'
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Just for fun
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only... Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S . Treasury.
----------------------------------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:
61,000
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
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Women!!!
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAst
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
________________________________
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?"
I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and
I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
______________________________
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you
can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair
out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and
his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know each others likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?
________________________________
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of
yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
________________________________
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
________________________________
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so
you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted
to you!
________________________________
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee.."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says ........ "HEBREWS"
________________________________
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to
wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting
to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of
paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would
find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him,when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
________________________________
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece
=============
Psalm 96:11-12 Let the heavens be glad and the earth rejoice; let the sea and what fills it resound; let the plains be joyful and all that is in them!
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Confucius says:
... man with tight trousers, pressing his luck.
... man who throw dirt, losing ground.
... man who fishes in other's holes, get crabs.
... he who live in stone house, should not throw glasses.
... cow with no legs, ground beef.
... two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn.
... baby born in car with automatic transmission, grow to become
shiftless.
... bird in hand, make difficult to blow nose.
... finding old man in dark, not hard.
... man trapped in pantry, have ass in jam.
... man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money.
... man who go to bed with itchy ass, wake with stinky finger.
... war not determine who right, war determine who left.
... naked man fear no pickpocket.
... squirrel who run up woman's leg, not find nuts.
... woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom.
... support bacteria, is only culture some people have.
... man who eat too many jellybean, fart in Technicolor.
... man who marry girl with no bust, have right to feel low down.
... man with athletic finger, make broad jump.
... man who speak with forked tongue, should not kiss balloons.
... he who sit on upturned tack, rise above all.
... even greatest of whales, helpless in desert.
... wash face in morning, neck at night.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who eat many prunes sit on toilet many moons.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Thanks to Squirrelzone for these last 3!!
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4 Worms
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
>
>
> Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
>
>
>
> The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
> The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
> The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
> The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
>
>
>
> At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
>
>
> The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
>
>
>
> The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
>
>
>
> Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
>
>
>
> Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
>
>
>
> So the Minister asked the congregation -
>
>
>
> What can you learn from this demonstration?
>
>
>
> Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
>
>
>
> 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
>
> That pretty much ended the service
>
>
>
> I DON'T MAKE 'EM UP, I JUST SEND 'EM.
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The Bulls!
- Ø > > *My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits
> > > we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there
> > > was a sign attached that said, *
> > >
*'** THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR**'*
> > > *My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated
> > > 50 times last year.'*
> > >
> > >
> > > *We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,*
> > >
> > >
> > > *''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'*
> > >
> > >
> > > *My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a
> > > week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'*
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > *We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, *
> > >
> > >
> > > *in capital letters,*
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > *'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'*
> > >
> > > *My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, *
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > *'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
> > > *
> > >
> > >
> > > *I looked at her and said, *
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > *'**Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'*
My condition has been upgraded from critical*
> > > * to stable and I should eventually *
> > >
> > > * make a full recovery.*
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A Voice of Reason
it's death throes? He's now 82 years old and has a new book, and here are
some excerpts.
Lee Iacocca Says:
"Am I the only guy in this country who's fed up with what's happening?
Where the hell is our outrage? We should be screaming bloody murder.
We've got a gang of clueless bozos steering our ship of state right
over a cliff, we've got corporate gangsters stealing us blind, and we
can't even clean up after a hurricane much less build a hybrid car.
But instead of getting mad, everyone sits around and nods their heads
when the politicians say, "Stay the course"
Stay the course? You've got to be kidding. This is America , not the
damned "Titanic". I'll give you a sound bite: "Throw all the bums out!"
You might think I'm getting senile, that I've gone off my rocker, and
maybe I have. But someone has to speak up. I hardly recognize this
country anymore.
The most famous business leaders are not the innovators but the guys in
handcuffs. While we're fiddling in Iraq , the Middle East is burning
and nobody seems to know what to do. And the press is waving 'pom
-poms' instead of asking hard questions. That's not the promise of the
" America " my parents and yours traveled across the ocean for.
I've had enough. How about you?
I'll go a step further. You can't call yourself a patriot if you're
not outraged. This is a fight I'm ready and willing to have.
The Biggest "C" is Crisis !
(Iacocca elaborates on nine Cs of leadership, crisis being the first.)
Leaders are made, not born. Leadership is forged in times of crisis.
It's easy to sit there with your feet up on the desk and talk theory.
Or send someone else's kids off to war when you've never seen a
battlefield yourself. It's another thing to lead when your world comes
tumbling down.
On September 11, 2001, we needed a strong leader more than any other
time in our history. We needed a steady hand to guide us out of the
ashes. A Hell of a Mess So here's where we stand. We're immersed in a
bloody war with no plan for winning and no plan for leaving. We're
running the biggest deficit in the history of the country. We're
losing the manufacturing edge to Asia , while our once-great companies
are getting slaughtered by health care costs. Gas prices are skyrocketing,
and nobody in power has a coherent energy policy. Our schools are in
trouble. Our borders are like sieves. The middle class is being squeezed
every which way These are times that cry out for leadership.
But when you look around, you've got to ask: "Where have all the leaders
gone?" Where are the curious, creative communicators? Where are the
people of character, courage, conviction, omnipotence, and common sense?
I may be a sucker for alliteration, but I think you get the point.
Name me a leader who has a better idea for homeland security than making
us take off our shoes in airports and throw away our shampoo? We've spent
billions of dollars building a huge new bureaucracy, and all we know how to
do is react to things that have already happened.
Name me one leader who emerged from the crisis of Hurricane Katrina.
Congress has yet to spend a single day evaluating the response to the hurricane,
or demanding accountability for the decisions that were made in the crucial
hours after the storm.
Everyone's hunkering down, fingers crossed, hoping it doesn't happen again.
Now, that's just crazy. Storms happen. Deal with it. Make a plan. Figure out
what you're going to do the next time.
Name me an industry leader who is thinking creatively about how we can restore
our competitive edge in manufacturing. Who would have believed that there
could ever be a time when "The Big Three" referred to Japanese car companies?
How did this happen, and more important, what are we going to do about it?
Name me a government leader who can articulate a plan for paying down the
debit, or solving the energy crisis, or managing the health care problem.The silence
is deafening. But these are the crises that are eating away at our country and milking
the middle class dry.
I have news for the gang in Congress. We didn't elect you to sit on your asses and
do nothing and remain silent while our democracy is being hijacked and our greatness
is being replaced with mediocrity.What is everybody so afraid of? That some
bonehead on Fox News will call them a name? Give me a break.
Why don't you guys show some spine for a change?
Had Enough?
Hey, I'm not trying to be the voice of gloom and doom here. I'm trying to light a fire. I'm speaking out because I have hope I believe in America . In my lifetime I've had the privilege of living through some of America's greatest moments. I've also experienced some of our worst crises: the "Great Depression", "World War II", the "Korean War", the "Kennedy Assassination", the "Vietnam War", the 1970s oil crisis, and the struggles of recent years culminating with 9/11. If I've learned one thing, it's this:
"You don't get anywhere by standing on the sidelines waiting for somebody else to take action. Whether it's building a better car or building a better future for our children, we all have a role to play. That's the challenge I'm raising in this book. It's a call to "Action" for people who, like me, believe in America . It's not too late, but it's getting pretty close. So let's shake off the crap and go to work. Let's tell 'em all we've had "enough."
Make your own contribution by sending this to everyone you know and
care about. It's our country, folks; and it's our future. Our future is at stake!
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BROWNIES
Last week, I walked into my office to find a sandwich bag on my desk containing three chewy, tasty, homemade chocolate brownies. Some thoughtful and anonymous person who knew my love for tasty homemade brownies had placed them there, along with a handwritten short story.
I immediately sat down and began eating the first chewy, tasty, homemade brownie as I read the following story:
Two teenagers asked their father if they could go to the theater to watch a movie that all their friends had seen. After reading some reviews about the movie on the Internet, he denied their request. "Aw dad, why not?" they complained. "It's rated PG-13, and we're both older than thirteen!"
Dad replied: "Because that movie contains nudity and portrays
immorality as being normal and acceptable behavior."
"But dad, those are just very small parts of the movie! That's what our friends who've seen it have told us. The movie is two hours long and those scenes are just a few minutes of the total film! It's based on a true story, and good triumphs over evil, and there are other redeeming themes like courage and self-sacrifice. Even the movie review websites say that!"
"My answer is 'no,' and that is my final answer. You are welcome to stay home tonight, invite some of your friends over, and watch one of the good videos we have in our home collection. But you will not go and watch that film. End of discussion."
The two teenagers walked dejectedly into the family room and slumped down on the couch. As they sulked, they were surprised to hear the sounds of their father preparing something in the kitchen. They soon recognized the wonderful aroma of brownies baking in the oven, and one of the teenagers said to the other, "Dad must be feeling guilty, and now he's going to try to make it up to us with some fresh brownies. Maybe we can soften him with lots of praise when he brings them out to us and persuade him to let us go to that movie after all."
About that time I began eating the second brownie from the sandwich bag and wondered if there was some connection to the brownies I was eating and the brownies in the story. I kept reading ....
The teens were not disappointed. Soon their father appeared with a plate of warm brownies, which he offered to his kids. They each took one. Then their father said, "Before you eat, I want to tell you something: I love you both so much."
The teenagers smiled at each other with knowing glances. Dad was
softening.
"That is why I've made these brownies with the very best
ingredients. I've made them from scratch. Most of the ingredients are even organic. The best organic flour. The best free-range eggs. The best organic sugar. Premium Vanilla and chocolate."
The brownies looked mouthwatering, and the teens began to become a little impatient with their dad's long speech. "But I want to be perfectly honest with you. There is one ingredient I
added that is not usually found in brownies. I got that ingredient from our own back yard. But you needn't worry, because I only added the tiniest bit of that ingredient to your brownies. The amount of the portion is practically insignificant. So go ahead, take a bite and let me know what you think."
"Dad, would you mind telling us what that mystery ingredient is before we eat?"
"Why? The portion I added was so small. Just a teaspoonful. You won't even taste it."
"Come on, dad; just tell us what that ingredient is."
"Don't worry! It is organic, just like the other ingredients. "
"Dad!"
"Well, OK, if you insist. That secret ingredient is fresh organic...dog do."
I immediately stopped chewing that second brownie and I spit it out into the wastebasket by my desk. I continued reading, now fearful of the paragraphs that still remained. Both teens instantly dropped their brownies back on the plate and began inspecting their fingers with horror. "DAD! Why did you do that? You've tortured us by making us smell those brownies cooking for the last half hour, and now you tell us that you added dog do! We can't eat these brownies!"
"Why not? The amount of dog do is very small compared to the rest of the ingredients. It won't hurt you. It's been cooked right along with the other ingredients. You won't even taste it. It has the same consistency as the brownies. Go ahead and eat!"
"No, Dad..NEVER!"
"And that is the same reason I won't allow you to go watch that movie. You won't tolerate a little dog do in your brownies, so why should you tolerate a little immorality in your movies? We pray that God will not lead us into temptation, so how can we in good conscience entertain ourselves with something that will imprint a sinful image in our minds that will lead us into temptation long after we first see it?"
I discarded what remained of the second brownie as well as the entire untouched third brownie. What had been irresistible a minute go had become detestable. And only because of the very slim chance that what I was eating was slightly polluted. (Surely it wasn't..but I couldn't convince myself.)
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Moses
> Recently, while going through an airport during one
> of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man
> with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe
> and sandals, holding a staff.
>
> President Bush went up to the man and said,
> "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"
>
> The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight
> ahead.
>
> The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
>
> The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the
> president.
>
> The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside
> and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I
> crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?
>
&g t; The Secret Service agent looked at the man and
> agreed. "Well," said the president, "every time I say
> his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead,
> refusing to speak. Watch!"
>
> Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the
> man ignored him.
>
> The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the
> white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses.
> Are you Moses?"
>
> The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh!
> Yes,I am Moses! "The last time I talked to a bush,
> I spent 40 years wandering in the desert.
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Moses
> Recently, while going through an airport during one
> of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man
> with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe
> and sandals, holding a staff.
>
> President Bush went up to the man and said,
> "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"
>
> The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight
> ahead.
>
> The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
>
> The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the
> president.
>
> The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside
> and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I
> crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?
>
&g t; The Secret Service agent looked at the man and
> agreed. "Well," said the president, "every time I say
> his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead,
> refusing to speak. Watch!"
>
> Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the
> man ignored him.
>
> The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the
> white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses.
> Are you Moses?"
>
> The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh!
> Yes,I am Moses! "But the last time I talked to a bush,
> I spent 40 years wandering in the desert.
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Three Norwegians
> >>> >> > graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that
> >>> >> > they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them
> >>> >> > can remember what they did the night before.
> >>> >> >
> >>> >> > The first one, Sven, is strapped in the electric chair, and is
> >>> >> > asked if he has any last words. He says, "I yust graduated
> >>> >> > from St. Olaf College in Northfield Minnesota and believe in the
> >>> >> > almighty
> >>> >> > power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They
> >>> >> > throw the switch and nothing happens.
> >>> >> >
> >>> >> > They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for
> >>> >> > Sven's forgiveness, and release him.
> >>> >> >
> >>> >> > The second, Lars, is strapped in and gives his last words, "I
> >>> >> > yust graduated from the Concordia College in Moorhead Minnesota and
> >>> >> > I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of
> >>> >> > the innocent." They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens.
> >>> >> >
> >>> >> > Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for his
> >>> >> > forgiveness, and release him.
> >>> >> >
> >>> >> > The last one, Ole, is strapped in and says, "Vell, I'm from the
> >>> >> > University of Nort' Dakota in Grand Forks and yust graduated with a
> >>> >> > degree in Electical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya
> >>> >> > ain't
> >>> >> > gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug dis t'ing in.
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EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3 . He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1.He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother Was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was
still work to do.
John 13:35 By this shall everyone know you are my disciples, if you have love, for one another
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How Old Are You REALLY?
honestly and you'll find out how old you REALLY are, and how long you
can expect to live. Just click on the site address below:
http://www.embedtube.com/uploads/33101407Realage.swf
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Earth Hour?
It's going to be another costly boondoggle for the consumer!! When we shut our lights off for the hour, we can shortly expect a raise in our electrical rates...the electrical companies are not going to settle for less money!!!
Our local Hi-rise apartments went to a new toilet that uses less water, I said, "watch for an increase in the water rate within 2 months"...it took 1 month, before they raised the rates.... They won't settle for less money either!!
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Dumbest kid in the world ? ? ?
Dumbest kid in the world ? ? ?
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his
customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. ? Watch while I
prove it to you.'?
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the
other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.?
'What did I tell you?' said the barber. ?'That kid never learns!'
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming
out of the ice cream store. ?
'Hey, son! ?May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'
The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over.'
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God & Lawns
GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about ...
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
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Ole and Sven
Might as well get killed for two as one!!
- Ø Ole and Sven were fishing on the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.
> Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
>
> "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
>
>
>
> "Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands.
>
> "Vere dit yew git dat monster??"
>
>
>
> "Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."
>
>
>
> "You haff a Genie?" Sven asked.
>
>
>
> "Ya, shure. It 's right here in my tackle box," says Ole.
>
>
>
> "Could I see him?"
>
>
>
> Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.
>
>
>
> Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master.
>
> Vill you grant me vun vish?"
>
>
>
> "Yes, I will," says the Genie.
>
>
>
> So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
>
>
>
> The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
>
>
>
> Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.
>
>
>
> Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole.
>
>
>
> "Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
>
>
>
> Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
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The Spoon
I'll probably get killed for this...
For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked , "Why the spoon?"
"Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen
Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a Drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the
kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant."
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent. I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others... But I use the spoon."
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Assinine aspirations!!!!!!!!
From:
http://maddy87.tblog.com/post/1969980108
Two asses met in a market; one ass asked the other, 'Why have you become so weak and sullen, doesn't your owner treat you well?'
The other ass replied, 'No, my owner makes me work throughout the day and does not give me any food. He is very cruel.'
The first ass said, 'Why don't you leave his house and run away?'
The other ass replied: 'No, I shall not leave his house even if he tortures me, because my owner's daughter is very pretty. Whenever she does any mistake, my owner always abuses her saying that, "One day I will get you married to this donkey", I am waiting for that day to come.'
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Charity
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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Techno Horrors
Techno Horror 1. While we are on the topic of genetically modified "Frankenfoods", here is a must read: a GM (genetically modified) corn is now in the food supply which causes male sterility. If you have any doubts at all that there are serious forces at work which are intent of reducing the population, please read this (http://salsa.democracyinaction.org/dia/track.jsp?v=2&c=gomy9gnCVpiw%2FdGiZYKhQeviqHH8O%2F7X). If you can figure out how this is NOT a depopulation move, please write to me at mailto:dr.laibow@gmail.com?subject=Depopulation and let me know.
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Cool Web Site!!
Check out the link. There are some interesting old photographs associated with this website.
I frequently go the for lunch on Saturday's. It's abouit a twenty minute drive away from where I live.
Jim
www.jollytanners.com/gallery.aspx
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This needs YOU!!
Folks, I realize this has been published before, but what they would like you to do is daily if possible, click in here and click the button...that's all!! Nothing to sign up for...or in for...just click a button, and animals are being fed!! Story below!!!!
Hi, all you animal lovers.
The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble
getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of
getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals.
It takes less than a minute (How about 20 seconds) to go to their site
and click on the purple box 'fund food for animals' for free. This
doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the
number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals
in exchange for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/
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Pastor's Business Card
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
"A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22)
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Words of Wisdom
The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it.
Never test the depth of the water
with both feet
It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone,
you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away and
you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else
Don't squat with your spurs on.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug,
some days you are the windshield.
Good judgment comes from bad experience,
and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money
is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.
Generally speaking,
you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Experience
is something you don't get
until just after you need it.
There is no separation between us and God; he is the ground of our being.
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Immense Bucks
About the only thing they MIGHT NOT get is a Social Security check....but I wouldn't b et on it...
I understand ole Bill has earned $40,000,000 in the past six years. What a guy!
AND THE REST OF THE STORY... Hilarious Rotten Clinton, as a New York State Senator, now comes under the 'Congressional Retirement and Staffing Plan,' which means that even if she never gets reelected, she STILL receives her Congressional salary until she dies. (Would it not be nice if all Americans were pension eligible after only 4 years?)
< BR>If Bill outlives her, he then inherits HER salary until HE dies. He is already getting his Presidential salary until he dies. If Hillary outlives Bill, she also gets HIS salary until she dies. Guess who pays for that?
It's common knowledge that in order for her to establish NY residency, they purchased a million dollar-plus house in upscale Chappaqua, New York. Makes sense!
They are entitled to Secret Service protection for life.
Still makes sense.
Here is where it becomes interesting Their mortgage payments hover at around $10,000 per month. BUT, an extra residence 'had' to be built within the acreage to house the Secret Service agents.
The Clinton's charge the Federal government $10,000 monthly rent fo r the use of that extra residence, which is about equal to their mortgage payment. This means that we, the taxpayers, are paying the Clinton's salary, mortgage, transportation, safety and security, as well as the salaries for their 12 man staff -- and, this is all perfectly legal!
As she runs for President, will YOU vote for her?
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Tidbits of Trivia
Plagiarized From Marymary!
RANDOM TIDBITS
The temperature of Earth's interior increases by 1 degree every 60
feet down.
Afternoon temperatures on Mars go up to about 80 degrees in some
areas, and down to -190 degrees F at night.
The average human eye can distinguish about 500 different shades of
gray.
The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota is the size of 78 football
fields -- 9.5 million square feet. Bloomington and Minneapolis are the
two farthest north latitude cities to ever host a World Series game.
The Hoover Dam was built to last 2,000 years. The concrete in it will
not even be fully cured for another 200 years.
England's Stonehenge is estimated to be 1500 years older than Rome's
Colosseum.
If any of the heads on Mt. Rushmore had a body, it would be nearly
500 feet tall
Sweetbread is neither sweet, nor bread. It is a dish made up of the
pancreas or the thymus gland of a calf or lamb.
The fungus called truffles can cost $800 to $1,500 per pound. They
are sniffed out by female pigs, which detect a compound that is in
the saliva of male pigs as well. The same chemical is found in the
sweat of human males.
The largest item on any menu in the world is probably the roast camel,
sometimes served at Bedouin wedding feasts. The camel is stuffed
with a sheep's carcass, which is stuffed with chickens, which are
stuffed with fish, which are stuffed with eggs.
The ingredient in poison oak that makes you itch is called urushiol oil.
Cicadas are related to aphids, not grasshoppers, and look more like
large flies than grasshoppers.
The smallest horse in the world is 'Black Beauty', a dwarf miniature
horse. Black Beauty is only 18 1/2 inches tall. She was born in 1996
in Kitrell, North Carolina.
Today, more than 95 percent of paper is made from wood cellulose.
Two new trees are planted for every one tree harvested in the United
States.
In 1690, the first U.S. paper mill was built at Germantown, Pennsyl-
vania by William Rittenhouse.
A single piece of paper may contain new fibers as well as fibers which
have already been recycled. Papermaking fibers can typically be
recycled 5-7 times before they become too short to be recycled again.
If all morning newspapers read around the country were recycled,
41,000 trees would be saved daily and 6 million tons of waste would
never end up in landfills.
In the year 1900, the U.S. Paper industry produced an estimated 14
thousand tons of paper a day. Today's U.S. Paper industry produces
over 250 thousand tons of paper and paperboard every day.
There is no separation between us and God; he is the ground of our being
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Naughty!
A Hot date in South Dakota
An Sioux Falls man goes to his local drug store and says
to the pharmacist:
"I got a hot date tonight, and I need me some pertection.
How much is a pack a' them rubbers gonna cost me?"
The pharmacist responds:
"A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
Tacks? You mean they don't stay on by themselves?
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50,000 Feet
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YOU DON'T HEAR NOW
Be sure to refill the ice trays, we're going to have company after while.
Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter to Aunt Mary in the mail today.
Quit slamming the screen door when you are on your way out!
Be sure and pull the windows down when you leave, it looks like a shower is coming up.
Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.
Wash your feet before you go to bed, they are nasty from playing outside all day barefooted.
Why can't you remember to roll up your pant legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up.
You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on.
Don't you go outside with your good school clothes on!
Go comb your hair; it looks like the rats have nested in it all night.
Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle.
Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one.
Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won't get on it.
Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don't quit!
Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.
You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off.
There's a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas when you go to town.
Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot.
You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise.
Don't sit too close to the TV. It is hard on your eyes.
If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out!
Don't lose that button; I'll sew it back on after awhile.
Wash under your neck before you come to the table, you have beads of dirt and sweat all under there.
Get out from under the sewing machine; pumping it messes up the thread!
Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don't have to do that tonight in the dark.
Here, take this old magazine to the toilet with you when you go, we are almost out of paper out there.
Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes.
Don't turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on.
No! I don't have nine cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees?
Eat those vegetables, they'll make you big and strong like your daddy.
That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don't care how cold it is out there, dogs just don't come in the house.
Sit still! I'm trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is all botched up.
Hush your mouth! I don't want to hear words like that! I'll wash your mouth out with soap!
It is time for your system to be cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight.
If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you'll get another one when you get home.
Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way!
Soak your foot in this pan of coal oil so that bad cut won't get infected.
It is: "Yes Ma'am!" and "No Ma'am!" to me, young man, and don't you forget it!
Holy God living and true, we owe Thee homage.
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Planet mnemonics
I'm sure many of us used the old, "my very efficient mother just served us nine pickles" to remember the nine original planets. (or something similar)
National Geographic hosted a contest to come up with a current version. A 4th grader in Montana submitted the winning phrase, which now includes Ceres and Eris.
Here is the new one if you (are) using most up to date discoveries and definitions of planets:
My Very Exciting Magic Carpet Just Sailed Under Nine Palace Elephants.
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Tom the Baptist
Johnny's mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.
She smiled and went about her work.
A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.
She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"
Johnny looked up at her and said,
"He should have thought about that before he joined my church."
=============
Do we take as much care of our soul as of our body?
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The FEMA Agent
Official U.S. Government FEMA Water Agent
A U.S. Government FEMA agent stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your FEMA water al.'
The old farmer said, "OK , but don't go in that field over there."
The FEMA Agent said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this Badge? This Badge means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the FEMA Agent running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the FEMA Agent with every step. The Agent was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....
"Your Badge! Your Badge! Show him your Official U.S. Government FEMA Badge!"
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South Dakota Poem
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At twenty-five below.
Oh, how I love South Dakota
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave South Dakota
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground.
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You A Redneck??
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
#You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and
two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife
comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the
knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds
before he reaches you and your family. What
do
you do?
............................................................
THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Democrat's
Answer :
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does
the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that
would inspire
him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife
think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club
and knock
the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about
this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message
does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be
happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would
he be
content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold
on, could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call
9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have
paint and weed day and
make this happier, healthier street that
would
discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to
debate this with
some friends for few days and try to come to a
consensus.
......................................................................
Republican's
Answer:
BANG!
..................................................................
Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG !
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those
the
Winchester
Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next
one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist
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SIGNS
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
On a Septic Tank Truck :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit please back in.'
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..'
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************
At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a Maternity Room door: