TO DRIVE IN LOS ANGELES
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour
is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On the 105 or
110, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is
considered "Wussy."
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. L A has its own
version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest
muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go
second. However, in Malibu , SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms ALWAYS
have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed
out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can
get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of L A and Orange
counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure
during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more
exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats,
barrels, cones, celebs,rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer
and other road kill, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.
9. Mapquest does not work here -- none of the roads are where they say
they are or go where they say they do and all the freeway off and on
ramps are moved each night.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally
activated."
11. If you are in the left la ne and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone,
you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.
If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for
Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church
on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.
And finally "Why is the L.A.Freeway called the '405'?
Because no matter where you are going, it takes 4 or 5 hours to get there
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