King Arthur

As ancient English folklore goes we have all heard of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. One day it was found by the king that one of his knights had committed an unhonorable act by making a pass at the Lady Gwenevere. This knight was Sir Lancelot and quite out of his character but, yes, he had committed the act. The king commanded him to appear and at his appearance the king made an ultimatum. "Oh, Sir Lancelot, one of my beloved knights and most loyal, you have greatly disgraced me but because you are one of my best and most loved knights I will grant you one chance at freedom." The king went on, "I will pose a riddle to you, and, if you can solve this great question I will let you go free, but, if not, you will be sentenced to death by quartering." The knight was greatly distressed, but he answered the king, "Oh great king, pose the riddle to your most loyal knight." "The riddle is this, 'What do women want most?" The court was silent. Who, in any wisdom, could answer this great question. The knight replied, "Oh king, thank you for this great opportunity. How, I beg you, long do I have to answer the riddle?" The king said, "One week. I know you are loyal and a man of your word, you are free to search the land for the answer." The knight was on his way to find the answer. He sought high and low. On the first day, he sought wisdom from the ancients who answered him that it is not possible to know such a thing. The second day he went to the priest who answered that it was only God who could answer such a question. And so it continued day by day that no one could answer this great question. Finally, time was short, and the knight was becoming desperate. He found the powerful and very ugly witch of the southern lands. He besought her for her divination. She examining him answered him thus, "I will and am fully able to answer this question but you too must promise me one thing and I will answer thee." "What is it that you desire witch?" The knight interjected a little annoyed, knowing the deviousness of the witch. "You must promise to marry me, Oh knight." She answered The knight was shocked. But know the time was short, he thought for a brief moment and said, "I am short of life, I value my life greatly and because of this I will promise to marry you if you answer the riddle properly." "Knowing you are a knight and a man of your word I will answer you." The witch began with a slight smirk on her wickedly ugly face, "What do women want most?" She paused for a slight affect, "Women want most to have their own way." The knight and those of his train understood immediately that this was the right and proper answer. But to be sure the knight said, "I will give the king the answer and if it is so, I will return to marry you." and off he went. Riding hard to meet the king at the appointed hard the knight arrived. With but a few moments remaining the knight stood before the king. The king spoke, "Have you the answer to my riddle oh knight?" And the knight bowed he answered and a firm voice, "I do oh king!" The court became quite hushed with anticipation. "Answer then oh most loyal knight that you may be exonerated from your punishment!" the king commanded. "Women want most to have their own way, Oh king." The king smiled, "you are most wise knight, go on your way, you are free." The knight exited the court with relief but as soon as he walked out there was the witch waiting for him. "You remember your promise you most honorable knight, do you not?" She cackled. "Yes, I am a man of my word, this night I will marry you." "Very well, knight, and because you are a man of your word and honorable I will grant YOU a wish of your desire. I can be beautiful for you, BUT, I can either be beautiful for you in the late evenings that you may enjoy me as a wife OR I can be beautiful for you in the day that you may have honor among your men." she humbly paused "which will it be knight?" The knight being wise paused to think and while thinking he remembered the riddle that saved his life. "What do women want most?" The knight replied, "Witch, you choose which one you would have to be." The witch gravely said to him, "You are also very wise knight for you learn from your mistakes. For this I will be beautiful for you at all times." She cast her spell and instantly she became a very fair maiden. And the land was at peace again and there was a great celebration. For the moral of this story my friend is quite simple and that is, "Let the woman have her way or else things are going to get really ugly." Jeremiah 10:23 Lord, I know that the way of man is not in himself: it is not in man that walketh to direct his steps

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Kids Answers Why Did......

Why did God make mothers? ----------------------------------------------------------- 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more people. 3. Mostly to clean the house. 4. To help us out of there when we were getting born. ------------------------------------------------------------ How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. He made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts ----------------------------------------------------------- Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom? 1. We're related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other! r people's moms like me. ------------------------------------------------------------ What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think. ------------------------------------------------------------ What kind of little girl was your Mom? 1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. ----------------------------------------------------------- How did your Mom meet your dad? 1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting. ------------------------------------------------------------ What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? ----------------------------------------------------------- Why did your Mom marry your dad? 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on. ------------------------------------------------------------ What makes a real woman? 1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy. ----------------------------------------------------------- Who's the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad. ------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between moms and dads? 1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. ------------------------------------------------------------ What does your Mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don't do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. ----------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between moms and grandmas? 1. About 30 years. 2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them! ----------------------------------------------------------- Describe the world's greatest Mom? 1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream! 2. The greatest Mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my aunts! 3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself. ----------------------------------------------------------- Is anything about your Mom perfect? 1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist. 2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them. 3. Just her children ----------------------------------------------------------- What would it take to make your Mom perfect? 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue. ----------------------------------------------------------- If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be? 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did ! it and not me. ------------------------------------------------------------ THIS NEEDS TO BE SENT TO ALL MOMS WHO COULD USE A GOOD LAUGH

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CHINESE HOROSCOPE

DO NOT READ AHEAD, JUST DO IT. IT TAKES ABOUT 3 MINUTES - WORTH A TRY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 1st. Get PEN and PAPER >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 2nd. WHEN CHOOSING NAMES, MAKE SURE THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE THAT YOU ACTUALLY KNOW >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>. 3rd. GO WITH YOUR FIRST INSTINCTS !!!!! Very important for good results. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 4th. SCROLL DOWN ONE LINE AT THE TIME DON`T READ AHEAD otherwise YOU WILL RUIN THE FUN. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 1. On a blank sheet of paper, WRITE NUMBERS 1 through 11 in a COLUMN on the LE >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 2. BESIDE the NUMBERS 1 & 2, WRITE DOWN ANY 2 NUMBERS YOU WANT. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE NUMBER? >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 3. BESIDE the NUMBERS 3 & 7, WRITE DOWN THE NAMES OF TWO MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX. CAUTION: DO NOT LOOK AHEAD or IT WILL NOT TURN OUT RIGHT >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 4. WRITE ANYONE'S NAME (like FRIENDS or FAMILY...) next to 4, 5, & 6. DON`T CHEAT OR YOU`LL BE UPSET THAT YOU DID >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 5. WRITE down FOUR SONG TITLES in 8, 9, 10, & 11 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 6. Finally, MAKE A WISH >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ARE YOU READY? HERE IS THE KEY TO THE GAME >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 1. THE NUMBER of PEOPLE YOU MUST TELL ABOUT THIS GAME is found in SPACE 2 2. THE PERSON IN SPACE 3 IS THE ONE YOU LOVE >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 3. THE PERSON YOU LIKE but your relationship CANNOT WORK is in SPACE 7 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 4. YOU CARE MOST about the PERSON you put in SPACE 4 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 5. THE PERSON YOU NAME IN NUMBER 5 IS THE ONE WHO KNOWS YOU VERY WELL. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 6. THE PERSON YOU NAMED IN 6 IS THE YOUR LUCKY STAR >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 7. THE SONG IN 8 IS THE SONG THAT MATCHES WITH THE PERSON IN NUMBER 3 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 8. THE TITLE IN 9 IS THE SONG FOR THE PERSON IN 7 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 9. THE 10TH SPACE IS THE SONG THAT TELLS YOU MOST ABOUT YOUR MIND >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 10. AND 11 IS THE SONG TELLING HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT LIFE >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 11. NUMBER 1 IS YOUR LUCKY NUMBER >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> John 6:37 - - - Anyone who comes to me I will never reject

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Old Farmer's Advice

An Old Farmer's Advice: ------------------------------------------------------------ * Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. ------------------------------------------------------------ * Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance. ------------------------------------------------------------ * Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. * A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. ------------------------------------------------------------ * Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. ------------------------------------------------------------ * Meanness don't jes' happen overnight. ------------------------------------------------------------ * Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. ------------------------------------------------------------ * Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. ------------------------------------------------------------ * It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. ------------------------------------------------------------ * You cannot unsay a cruel word. ------------------------------------------------------------ * Every path has a few puddles. ------------------------------------------------------------ * When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. ------------------------------------------------------------ * The best sermons are lived, not preached. ------------------------------------------------------------ * Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway. ------------------------------------------------------------ * Don't judge folks by their relatives. ------------------------------------------------------------ * Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. ------------------------------------------------------------ * Live a good, honorable life Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. ------------------------------------------------------------ * Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none. ------------------------------------------------------------ * Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. ------------------------------------------------------------ * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. ------------------------------------------------------------ * Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. ------------------------------------------------------------ * The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'. ------------------------------------------------------------ * Always drink upstream from the herd. ------------------------------------------------------------ * Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. ------------------------------------------------------------ * Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. ------------------------------------------------------------ * If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. ------------------------------------------------------------ * Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

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Bypass Phone Prompts

Get Past Phone Prompts This web site lists lots of company's, and how to get past their phone prompts....and get to a live operator!! http://www.gethuman.com/us/ Below is from their "Tips" page.......and a very handy tip..re: 411 finding a toll-free phone number To find the toll-free phone number for any US-based company, try calling 1-800-555-1212 or search Google for company name plus "phone numbers". Or maybe even searching for the company name and "president office" or "investor relations". Tip: did you know that your phone company charges $1.49 or more each time you call 411? Instead, try using 1-800-FREE-411. For companies who try to hide their phone numbers, many times the Google search will find a page from a disgruntled customer who exposes the phone numbers for that company. For example, see these gripe pages about Amazon.com and PayPal and these for eBay.

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Country Music....

A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to his absolute surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..." The student is amazed, and pops the cork back into the anus. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> "Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. They hear: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..." "So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery. "But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> "Are you kidding?" replied the examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>. Hebrews 12:1-2 Let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us and persevere in running the race....while keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the leader and perfecter of our faith.

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Redneck MaMa

> A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... > > "WOW," the social worker exclaims," Are they ALL YOURS???" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > "Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that > question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > All the children rush to find seats. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll >need all your children's names." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > "This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > "OK, and who's next?" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the > oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > "All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL > named Leroy?" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > Their Momma replied,! "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to >get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.' >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell > 'Leroy' and all of them stop.! It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' >them all Leroy." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead > and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the > whole bunch?" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > "I call them by their last names." The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close

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Leno vs Hillary

I guess Hillary won't be a late night guest on Jay Leno show! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > >"Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic >athlete. But she was not athletic enough. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take >women. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >Should she be telling people this story? > >I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't >do anything else." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >~ Jay Leno >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > "Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president >in 2008. > >You know why I think she's running? >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's >bed." > >~ Jay Leno >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > "In a fiery speech this weekend, Hillary Clinton wondered why President >Bush can't find the tallest man in Afghanistan. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >Probably for the same reason she couldn't find the fattest intern under the >desk." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

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Your Lil Weatherman/Woman

Here is a site where you can download a little weather person who tells you the weather, but also dress's appropriately for the day. It's good throughout the World, so you use the map to download it for your area......... the site:>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> http://weatherpixie.com/

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Great Site

This is a Great Site!!! turn up your sound - sit back and Enjoy!!! really worthwhile!! Thought this was really neat & calming, and thought you might enjoy some relaxing to the neat music, I had to come back here & click twice to get to the Goose, give it a shot!! It self scrolls!! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > Be sure your sound is on and go to this site: > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > > http://members.aol.com/CuttyhunkRose/geese.html

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Hehe In The beginning

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. ----------------------------------------------------------- Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "Yes" and smiled. ----------------------------------------------------------- And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. ----------------------------------------------------------- So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. ----------------------------------------------------------- God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. ----------------------------------------------------------- God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food." ----------------------------------------------------------- God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds. ----------------------------------------------------------- Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. ----------------------------------------------------------- God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. ----------------------------------------------------------- God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs. =========================================================== I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

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Bone Yard

This is the "bone yard" or grave yard where they put aircraft they not using, it took a bit to load for my modem, but great pics!! I've seen this place, but not up close and personal! It's near Tucson Arizona in the desert. ------------------------------------------------------------- http://ueba.com.br/forums/index.php?showtopic=19496&hl=

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Minnesota Ghost

This is too good not to read, especially if you thought ghosts didn't exist! -------------------------------------------------------- This happened just a few months ago just outside of Willmar, a little town in the back country of Minnesota, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real. -------------------------------------------------------- This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. ---------------------------------------------------------- Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped into the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would surely drown! ----------------------------------------------------------- But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again! ----------------------------------------------------------- Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into town, into Willmar. ----------------------------------------------------------- Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk). ----------------------------------------------------------- About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot dat rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in da rain." =========================================================== Matthew 25:39-40 "When did we see you ill or in prison, and visit you?" And the king will say to them in reply, "Amen I say to you, whatsoever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me.

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Military Humor

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. ----------------------------------------------------------- After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons." ----------------------------------------------------------- After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States ----Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges." After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. ----------------------------------------------------------- With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.” ----------------------------------------------------------- (I John 1:9) "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

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Old Pictures!

Neat site with pics from the 1890's





http://lcweb2.loc.gov/intldl/mtfhtml/mfdigcol/lists/mtfgrpTitles1

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Indian Site

Neat Indian site with pics from the 1890's
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>




http://lcweb2.loc.gov/intldl/mtfhtml/mfdigcol/lists/mtfgrpTitles1

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New Volcano in Ocean

A volcano appearing in the ocean ..some good pics ----------------------------------------------------------- http://yacht-maiken.blogspot.com/2006/08/stone-sea-and-volcano.html -------------------------------------------------------------PS I didn't re check this....it takes so long to get back here I didn't want to chance it!!

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How to give a cat a pill

How To Give A Cat A Pill

Pick cat up, cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
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2. Retrieve pull from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
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Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
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Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
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Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw; force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
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Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink a glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
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Retrieve cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
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Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
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Ring the fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
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Take last pill from foil wrap.
Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
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Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture store on way home to order new table.
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Arrange for vet to make a house call.

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If I Knew

If I knew it would be the last time That I'd see you fall asleep, I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord, your soul to keep. -------------------------------------------------------- If I knew it would be the last time that I see you walk out the door, I would give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more. -------------------------------------------------------- If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise, I would video tape each action and word, so I could play them back day after day. --------------------------------------------------------- If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute to stop and say "I love you," instead of assuming you would KNOW I do. --------------------------------------------------------- If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your day, Well I'm sure you'll have so many more, so I can let just this one slip away. --------------------------------------------------------- For surely there's always tomorrow to make up for an oversight, and we always get a second chance to make everything just right. --------------------------------------------------------- There will always be another day to say "I love you," And certainly there's another chance to say our "Anything I can do?" --------------------------------------------------------- But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get, I'd like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget. --------------------------------------------------------- Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike, And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight. ---------------------------------------------------------- So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today? For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day, ---------------------------------------------------------- That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss and you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish. ---------------------------------------------------------- So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear, Tell them how much you love them and that you'll always hold them dear ---------------------------------------------------------- Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay." And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today. ---------------------------------------------------------- Matt 1:21 You shall call his name Jesus for he shall save his people from their sins.

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Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney Right on, Andy Rooney! > Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back: > I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the UnitedCaucasianCollege Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door. > Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

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Your Historical Sites

This site shows a map of the US and lists Historical sites of every State................................................................................................................. http://www.nationalregisterofhistoricplaces.com ........................................................... Psalm 112:1 Happy the one who fears the Lord

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And for you motorists?

> 45 mph > God Will Take Care of You > > 55 mph > Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah > > 65 mph > Nearer My God To Thee > > 75 mph > Nearer Still Nearer >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > 85 mph > This World Is Not My Home > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > 95 mph > Lord, I'm Coming Home > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > Over 100 mph > Precious Memories > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

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I Miss Bill.....

I Miss Bill Clinton ----------------------------------------------------------- It doesn't matter what party you belong to -- this is hilarious. ---------------------------------------------------------- From a show on Canadian TV there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. ---------------------------------------------------------- "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President. ----------------------------------------------------------- Number 1 - He played the sax. Number 2 - He smoked weed. Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women. ----------------------------------------------------------- Even now? Look at him ... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. ----------------------------------------------------------- ---Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water. ----------------------------------------------------------- Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada. ----------------------------------------------------------- When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one." ----------------------------------------------------------- The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know." ----------------------------------------------------------- Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes." ----------------------------------------------------------- ---ya gotta love it. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

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How to give a cat a pill

Pick cat up, cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pull from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw; force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink a glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Retrieve cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Ring the fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture store on way home to order new table. Arrange for vet to make a house call. You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.

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Blue Planet

TThese are gorgeous views of Mother Earth from outer space, including what must have been an awesome dust storm! Enjoy!! Eddie Click here: What A Beautiful Blue Planet! Since I don't like blind click's like above, here's the whole address! Ax Me About Ebonics. ------------------------------------------------------------ http://home.att.net/~hideaway_fun/442/planet.htm

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