Butch the Rooster

Butch the Rooster

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you flatlander city folks).

 

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

 

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too.

 

But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.

 

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

 

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

 

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Clare County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

 

The result...

 

The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize, they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

 

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

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Meaning of the 12 days

Really interesting!

I am not certain where this came from, but it is interesting anyway, so thought I would pass it on.
"Merry Christmas"
There is one Christmas Carol that
has always baffled me. What in the world
do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and
especially the partridge who won't come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas?

Today, I found out.

From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted
to
practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol
as a
catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning:
the surface
meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church.
Each
element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which
the children
could remember.

-The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus the Christ.
-Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.
-Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.
-The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke
& John.
-The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five
books of
the Old Testament.
-The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.
-Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy
Spirit--Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution,
Leadership, and Mercy.
-The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.
-Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit--Love,
Joy,
Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and
Self Control.
-The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments.
-The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.
-The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief
in the
Apostles' Creed.

So there is your history for today. This knowledge was shared with
me and I
found it interesting and enlightening and now I know how that strange
song
became a Christmas Carol...so pass it on if you wish."

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TO DRIVE IN LOS ANGELES

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is L. A.

 

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour

is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

 

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On the 105 or

110, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is

considered "Wussy."

 

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. L A has its own

version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest

muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go

second. However, in Malibu , SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms ALWAYS

have the right of way.

 

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed

out, and possibly shot.

 

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can

get you shot.

 

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of L A and Orange

counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure

during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more

exciting.

 

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats,

barrels, cones, celebs,rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer

and other road kill, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

 

9. Mapquest does not work here -- none of the roads are where they say

they are or go where they say they do and all the freeway off and on

ramps are moved each night.

 

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the

shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally

activated."

 

11. If you are in the left la ne and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone,

you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.

If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

 

12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for

Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church

on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

 

And finally "Why is the L.A.Freeway called the '405'?

Because no matter where you are going, it takes 4 or 5 hours to get there

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INDIAN WINTER

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Kids Write about the Sea

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)

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The Four Cats !

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .

 

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

 

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

 

"T-square, do your stuff."

 

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

 

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

 

He called his cat and said,

 

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

 

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies .Everyone agreed that was good.

 

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff."

 

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

 

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

 

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

 

The Government Employee called his cat and said.....

 

"Coffee Break.....do your stuff."

 

Coffee Break jumped to his feet...........

 

Ate the cookies...............

 

Drank the milk..............

 

Sh*t on the paper....................

 

Screwed the other three cats.....................

 

Claimed he injured his back while doing so..................

 

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.........

 

Put in for Workers Compensation...............and

 

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.......

 

Psalm 91:2 "I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.".......

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7 Top Idiots of 2007

Number One Idiot of 2007 -

 

. I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the

 

poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because

 

she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that

 

the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her

 

daughter into the hospital. .

 

She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention

 

that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the

 

ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency

 

room right away.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Number Two Idiot of 2007 .

 

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal

 

a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out

 

of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the

 

river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.

 

.

 

It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator

 

beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.

 

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Number Three Idiot of 2007 .

 

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank

 

of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all

 

your muny in this bag."

 

. While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began

 

to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the

 

police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of

 

America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

 

. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells

 

Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that

 

he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not

 

accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America

 

deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo

 

deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

 

. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said,"OK" and left. He was arrested a

 

few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. .

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Number Four Idiot of 2007 .

 

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all

 

of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a

 

bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter

 

on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the

 

cashier refused and said, "I can't, because I don't believe you are over

21."

 

. The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him

 

because he didn't believe him.

 

.

 

At that point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet

 

and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the

 

man was in fact over 21, and he put the Scotch in the bag.

 

.

 

The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly

 

called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he

 

got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Number Five Idiot of 2007

.

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving

 

revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"

.

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Number Six Idiot of 2007 .

 

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just

 

throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and

 

run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the>

window.

 

The cinder block bounced back and hit the would be thief on the

 

head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was

 

made of plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Number Seven Idiot of 2007 .

 

Ann Arbor:

 

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger

 

King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and demanded

 

cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the

 

cash register without a food order.

 

.

 

When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available

 

for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

 

=================

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

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3 Types of Christians

Cultural

These were born into the Faith, and that's about where their growth stopped, they are Christians in name only,

holding to few if any of the principles of Christianity. You cannot tell any difference between these and total pagans

They are obedient to few if any of the precepts of Christianity, they are lovers of self and haters of truth. You might see them in church only for weddings or funerals. In the Lords parable of the seed, these would be the seed that fell on rocky ground, and as soon as the sun came up, they withered and died.

Habitual

These you find in church just about every Sunday, but they are there to visit friends, to be seen as 'active' and holding only to what's convenient of the church's principals or the Lord's commandments. Their faith is superficial, self still has a ruling hand in these "Christians" They spend little if any time in private prayer, or trying to build a true relationship with the Lord. If asked to do anything to help the church, they are 'too busy' It seems their faith ends at the Church door. If they pray at all it is only for self gratification, or to get out of some trouble they are in. These are the seed that fell among thorns, and the cares of the world has come up and choked them off..

Committed

These are trying their best to obey the commandments, they are spending considerable time in private prayer, and making an honest effort to live the Christian life. No, they are not perfect, they sometimes fall into sin, but then they flee to the best of their ability, these things that what would displease God, There are many stages of growth here, many experience the hand of God daily in their lives, and ofttimes experience his awesome love. Their soul is athirst for the living God, and are inflamed by love for Him. They take up their cross daily and follow the Lord. They find His cross is easy, and His burden light .They recognize the aridity of their own souls, and they are searching for the streams of living water that flow from the wounded side of Christ, which springs up within and becomes a river of life. The church can always depend on these when it needs to have things done. They serve God by serving their fellow man, and that without expecting any recompense.

Daily they strive to die to self. These are the seed that fell on good soil, and are growing to produce fruit 30 60 or 100 fold.

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This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid tooCna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it

slpeling ipmorantt?

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Rodeo

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

"THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,
"That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.

The husband looked at her and said,

"Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."

PLEASE NOTE:
The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

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Don't hit Santa

Move mouse onto the people who are not Santa and click. Remember - DON'T hit Santa!

Click on:

http://www.elfmovie.com/swf/snowball_fight/index.html

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Groaner

> An interview with an 80-year-old woman

>

> The local news station was interviewing an

> 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married

> for the fourth time.

>

> The interviewer asked her questions about her life,

> about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80,

> and then about her new husband's occupation.

>

> "He's a funeral director," she answered.

>

> "Interesting," the newsman thought.

>

> He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a

> little about her first three husbands and what they

> did for a living.

>

> She paused for a few moments, needing time to

> reflect on all those years. After a short time, a

> smile came to her face and she answered proudly,

> explaining that she first married a banker when

> she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster

> when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her

> 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

>

> The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and

> asked why she had married four men with such diverse

> careers.

>

> She smiled and explained, "I married one for the

> money, two for the show, three to get ready, and

> four to go."

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It's Almost Christmas

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his

girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,
"Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu.

I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the
moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time,
we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!! NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

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New Night before.....

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;

I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.

I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest.

This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!

 

Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.

They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!

My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.

The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

 

There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;

frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.

Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;

my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

 

I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;

Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.

He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;

then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"

He looks all around and with total regret, says,

"What's taking so long....aren't you through in here yet?"

 

As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;

He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!

He flees from the room in terror and pain

and screams, "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"

 

Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?

Oh darn, it's the pies! They're burned all to hell!

I hate to admit when I make a mistake,

but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.

 

What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead?

If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.

Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;

It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.

 

But I promise you one thing, If I live 'til next year,

You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.

I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;

and if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!

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Christmas Traditions

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at

Christmas time?

 

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve

brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns;

then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door

and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and

wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

 

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at

Christmas?"

 

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom

and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We

put cookies and milk by the chimney

and we hang up our

stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring

our presents.

 

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to

leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen,

what do you do at Christmas?"

 

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year.... Dad comes

home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we

drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at

all the empty shelves... And begin to sing: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."

Then we all go to the Bahamas.

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Bed Sheets Hehe

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a

series of tests, the last of which had left his

bodily systems extremely upset.

 

Upon making several false alarm trips to the

bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He

suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his

ability to remain rational.

 

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of

bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

 

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the

sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,

and swinging his arms violently trying to get the

unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled

sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

 

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,

staring down at the sheets, a hospital security

guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who

had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked "What the heck is

going on here?"

 

The drunk, still staring down replied: " I'm not real sure, but I think I

just beat the shit out of a ghost."

Matt 11:28 Come to me all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest.

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A few funny's

A man was talking to his friend at the bar. The friend said "Did you know that 9 out of 10 women with brown eyes cheat on their husbands?"

"No, I didn't know that." The man replied.

"So what color are your wife's eyes?" asked the friend.

The man replied, "I'm too drunk to remember. Geez, I better go home and find out."

So the man hurries home to find his wife in bed and asleep. The man carefully lifts his wife's eyelid and exclaims, "Oh my God! Brown!"

Suddenly, another man pops out from under the covers and exclaims, "How the hell did you know I was here?"

 

=============

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared.

 

==============

A Crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. "

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

 

================

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman

told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said.

"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had

my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,

I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me

tonight."

The homeless Woman was shocked.

"Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman

looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments,

and wine."

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Informative & Funny!

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4

feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

 

Why was that gauge used?

 

Because that's the way they built them in England , and English

expatriates built the US railroads.

 

Why did the English build them like that?

 

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built

the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

 

 

Why did 'they' use that gauge then?

 

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools

that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

 

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

 

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would

break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because

that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

 

 

So who built those old rutted roads?

 

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and

England for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

 

And the ruts in the roads?

 

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to

match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

 

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike

in the matter of wheel spacing.

 

Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5

inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial

Roman war chariot.

 

Bureaucracies live forever.

 

So the next time you are handed a Specification/ Procedure/ Process and

wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?' you may be exactly right.

 

Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to

accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)

 

Now, the twist to the story:

 

 

When you see

a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster

rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are

solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their

factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have

preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by

train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the

factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs

had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the

railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as

wide as two horses' behinds.

 

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the

world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two

thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

 

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?

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& Some Dumb Laws

Little Johnny was talking to his girlfriend, and he said, "Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?"

To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm."

"Really?" he said excitedly.

"Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word 'warm'."

Little Johnny was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."

 

==============

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his

breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die,

and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

 

===============

Jill was using a power strip to plug her computer and other devices

into. Windows was completely frozen, and she was unable to shut

down the machine by using the power button.

She phoned for computer help and mentioned the power strip to

tech support. The tech told her to flip it off.

Jill said, "OK, I gave it the finger. I feel much better. Now what

do I do?"

 

==============

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.

The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Stevie, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate."

He says to her, "that word is too big. I have no idea what it means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband.

 

===============

Montana Dumb Laws

- It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.

- It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.

- Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them.

- In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.

- It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime.

- Excelsior Springs: Balls may not be thrown within the city limits.

- Helena: No item may be thrown across a street.

- Helena: A woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

- Salisbury: Pop bottles are not to be thrown on the ground.

- Whitehall : It is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.

Tblog Dec 15.............................................................................

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An Old Straggly Cat

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight...starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.

 

We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat." The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks. " He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

 

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O,' and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O.' They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

 

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

 

A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, by the way, I think she's pregnant - God only knows who the father is!"

 

Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even.

Revenge is mine saith the Lord

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Weird Incredible History!!!

     The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4
feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
 
Why was that gauge used?
 
Because that's the way they built them in England , and English
expatriates built the US railroads.
 
Why did the English build them like that?
 
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built
the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

 
Why did 'they' use that gauge then?
 
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools
that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
 
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
 
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would
break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because
that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
 

So who built those old rutted roads?
 
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and
England for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.  
 
And the ruts in the roads?
 
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to
match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.
 
Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike
in the matter of wheel spacing.
 
Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5
inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial
Roman war chariot.
 
Bureaucracies live forever.
 
So the next time you are handed a Specification/ Procedure/ Process and
wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?' you may be exactly right.
 
Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to
accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)
 
Now, the twist to the story:
 
 
When you see
a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster
rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are
solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.  The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their
factory in Utah.  The engineers who designed the SRBs would have
preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by
train from the factory to the launch site.  The railroad line from the
factory happens to run through a  tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs
had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the
railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as
wide as two horses' behinds.
 
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the
world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two
thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
 
And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?
 

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AMERICANISM

If you want your father to take care of you, that's paternalism,

 

If you want your mother to take care of you, that's maternalism,

 

If you want comrades to take care of you

and everything you do is for the state, that's

communism;

 

If you think "if it feels good do it,"

regardless of the consequences or who it might hurt,

and are in this thing just for yourself, that's

individualism,

 

If all you care about are your possessions,

what you can accumulate in this life and things

are more important than people, that's

materialism,

 

If you want Uncle Sam to take care of you,

depend on the government for everything,

don't know the difference between entitlements and benefits,

and you think they are totally responsible

for your well being, then that's not only stupid, but

socialism;

 

But, if you want to take care of yourself,

be held responsible for your behavior,

hold yourself accountable for your actions,

feel a responsibility to be a good and productive citizen,

promote the betterment of mankind

and bring honor to the greatest country

on the face of the earth, then that, my friend, is

 

Americanism.

 

Written By:

Mark R. Hagood

(c) 1991, 2001

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Words of Wisdom

Source Unknown

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the

neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities

without your help.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20 and never see him again; it was probably worth

it.

If you haven't much education you must use your brain.

Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and

he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!

Wisdom comes from good judgment and a lot of that comes from bad

judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it

back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the Force, it has a light side and a dark side and it

holds the universe together.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger

stick.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That

way, when you do criticize him, you're a mile away and you have his

shoes.

Matt 10:22 And you will be hated by all men for my names sake; but he who has persevered to the end will

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All About L

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark

One : Don't miss the boat.
Two : Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three : Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four : Stay fit When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five : Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six : Build your future on high ground.
Seven : For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight : Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine : When you' re stressed, float a while.
Ten : Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven : No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting...

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Let it Snow

Oh Lord, let it snow.

> Let it drift and let it blow.

> In the morning, no real fuss,

> Just enough to stop the bus.

> Enough to make the county say:

> "There will be no school today."

> Let the radio report: "Snow's deep!"

> And I'll roll over for more sleep.

> Then later on, say maybe ten,

> I'll turn the radio on again.

> Just in time to hear them say:

> "It's strange, the snow has gone away."

> And then I'll know, You made it stop.

> So I can go to the mall and shop.

> Please Lord, just hear my teacher's plea,

> And make it snow for the kids and me.

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