Rejoicing!!!

DM&E was turned down today on it's 2½ Billion dollar loan from the Government!!! They are a company not even worth 2 Billion in resources, with a history of not paying back loans..or their suppliers, plus they need 6 Billion.
The divide and conquer technique?? I used it once at a bank, I needed $30,000 but knew they'd never give me that, so I borrowed 6 thousand, then went back and proved to them I needed another 24,000 or I was bankrupt!!..and they are out the 6,000...I got the other 24k!!!

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Hunter Shot by Fox

Hunter Shot to Death By a Fox, Belgrade, Associated Press

A fox shot and killed a 38-year-old hunter in central Yugoslavia, the official Yugoslav news agency Tanjug reported yesterday.

Salih Hajdur, a farmer from the village of Gornje Hrasno in the Republic of Bosnia-Hercegovina, went to a nearby forest Sunday to shoot a fox, Tanjug said.

Hajdur wounded a fox in the leg, the agency said, but to spare the skin he did not fire again. Instead, he hit the animal with his refle butt. The struggling animal triggered a shot that hit Hajdur in the chest and killed him instantly, Tanjug said. The fox died later, Tanjug added.

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Want to say at wwork

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of err beans
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2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
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3. How about never? Is never good for you?
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4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
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5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
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6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
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7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
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8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
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9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
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10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
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11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
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12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
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13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
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14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
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15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
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16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
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17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
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18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
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19. What am I?! Flypaper for freaks!?
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20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
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21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
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22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
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23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
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24. Do I look like a people person?
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25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
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26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
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27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
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28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
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29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
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30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
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31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
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32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
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33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
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34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
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35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
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36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
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37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
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38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
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39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
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40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
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Where They Go

Artists go to: Painted Desert, Arizona
>
Athletes go to: Olympia Heights, Florida
.
Candy Makers: Carmel, Indiana
.
College Professors: University City, Missouri
.
Ecologists: Green Bay, Wisconsin
.
Firefighters: Smokey Mountains
.
Fortune tellers: Palm Springs, California
.
Geologists: Stone Mountain, Georgia
.
Gossip Columnists: Grapevine, Texas
.
Helicopter Pilots: Hoover, Alabama
.
Home Builders: New Castle, Pennsylvania
.
Jewelers: Pearl City, Hawaii
.
Landscapers: Garden City, Michigan
.
Lawyers: Accident, Maryland
.
Loan Officers: Fairbanks, Alaska
.
Lumber Jacks: Thousand Oaks, California
.
Manicurists: Finger Lakes, New York
.
Optometrists: Plainview, New York
.
Pastors: Chapel Hill, North Carolina
.
Pianists: Florida Keys
.
Podiatrists: Arches National Park, Utah
.
Politicians: Dodge City, Kansas
.
Prostitutes: Pleasure Ridge, Kentucky
.
Real Estate Salesmen: Loveland, Colorado
.
Refrigerator Repairmen: Chilum, Maryland
.
Retired Army Officers: East Point, Georgia
.
Sailors: Marina, California
.
Sheriffs: Marshalltown, Iowa
.
Tree Trimmers: Long Branch, New Jersey
.
TV Evangelists: Paradise, California

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God's One Liners

1. Give God what's right -- not what's left.
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2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an
endless hope.
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3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
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4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
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5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma--but never let him
be the period.
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6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
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7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.
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8. When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty.
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9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.
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10. We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.
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11. The church is prayer-conditioned.
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12. When God ordains, He sustains.
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13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
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14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
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15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
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16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
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17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.
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18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive.
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19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
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20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
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21. He who angers you controls you.
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22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
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23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.
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24. Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them & He'll clean them.
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25. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
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26. Read the Bible -- It will scare the heck out of you.
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Beautiful Sound

A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old
>
monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk
>
answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend
the night.
>
The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The
>
man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a
>
strange and beautiful sound.
>
The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the
>
sound that had woke him.
>
"We're sorry," the monks said. "We can't tell you about the sound.
>
You're not a monk."
>
The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the
>
monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward,
>
the man pondered the source of the alluring sound. Several years later the
>
man happened to be driving in the same area He stopped at the monastery on a
>
whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed
>
his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another
>
night under their peaceful roof The monks agreed, and so the man stayed with
>
them again.
>
Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound. The following morning
>
he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks gave him the same answer
>
as before.
>
"We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."
>
By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up
>
everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about
>
the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and
>
arduous task of becoming a monk. Seventeen years later, the man was
>
finally established as a true member of the order.
>
When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and
>
asked to be told the source of the sound.
>
Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened
>
the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of
>
silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve
>
doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was awash
>
with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful
>
mysterious sound he had heard so many years before..........
>
But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk. aaaarrrrrggggghhh
>
John 6:37 - - - Anyone who comes to me I will in no way reject

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6 P's Remember?

Prior Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance!

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Smart R. Foot?

> How Smart is Your Right Foot?
>
> This is so funny that it will boggle your mind.
> And you will
> keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you
> can outsmart
> your foot, but you can't.
>
> 1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right
> foot off the floor and
> make clockwise circles.
>
> 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in
> the air with your
> right hand. Your foot will change direction.
>
> I told you so ......And there's nothing you can do
> about it!
>

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Beating the system

There will be no nursing home in my future.........

When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for :

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess ships have as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge

John 6:37 - - - Anyone who comes to me I will never reject

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Lawyer & Blonde

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from L.A. to New York.

The lawyer leans over to her and
asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just
wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the
window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game
is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works:

"I ask you a question, and if
you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."

Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will
easily win the match, so he makes another offer.

"Okay, how about this, if you don't know the answer you pay me
only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there
will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth
to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her
purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four? "

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his
laptop computer and searches all his references.

He taps into the
Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of
Congress.

Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends
he knows.

All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the
answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and
asks,

"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands
the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

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HAHA GOTTA LOVE THIS ONE

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:

"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,

"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:

"So what are you up to?"

What the...what kind of question is that? At this point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:

"Handling my business...just like you!"

By now I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

"Can I come over?"

Come over?! This is getting too weird for me. I firgure I need to end this @#$*$! right now!

"Hell no!........I'm @#$**#@! busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

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Where They Go

Artists go to: Painted Desert, Arizona


Athletes go to: Olympia Heights, Florida


Candy Makers: Carmel, Indiana


College Professors: University City, Missouri


Ecologists: Green Bay, Wisconsin


Firefighters: Smokey Mountains


Fortune tellers: Palm Springs, California


Geologists: Stone Mountain, Georgia


Gossip Columnists: Grapevine, Texas


Helicopter Pilots: Hoover, Alabama


Home Builders: New Castle, Pennsylvania


Jewelers: Pearl City, Hawaii


Landscapers: Garden City, Michigan


Lawyers: Accident, Maryland


Loan Officers: Fairbanks, Alaska


Lumber Jacks: Thousand Oaks, California


Manicurists: Finger Lakes, New York


Optometrists: Plainview, New York


Pastors: Chapel Hill, North Carolina


Pianists: Florida Keys


Podiatrists: Arches National Park, Utah


Politicians: Dodge City, Kansas


Prostitutes: Pleasure Ridge, Kentucky


Real Estate Salesmen: Loveland, Colorado


Refrigerator Repairmen: Chilum, Maryland


Retired Army Officers: East Point, Georgia


Sailors: Marina, California


Sheriffs: Marshalltown, Iowa


Tree Trimmers: Long Branch, New Jersey


TV Evangelists: Paradise, California

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Walnut Bar

Overheard at the Walnut Bar
An old fellow lived in the woods and dined on wildlife twice a day, without even buying a license or tag.
Finally the Game warden felt obliged to give him a call.
The old guy greeted him at the door and said, "what's your business?"
"I hear you've been poaching deer," said the warden.
" Certianly not! " denied the old man. "I ain't never poached a deer in my life.
I slow roast them on low heat.

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Funny

Attorney questioning Scene: A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney. Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the plaintiff in a fight? Witness: Yes. Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of this concern, you sought shelter elsewhere? Witness: Yes. Attorney: You further stated that during this time of seeking shelter, you turned your back to the fight at hand? Witness: Yes. Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the plaintiff's ear??!! Witness: Yes. Attorney: Well, that makes for an interesting question then! If your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had the plaintiff and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct? Witness: Yes, correct. Attorney: Well then, did you SEE the defendant bite off the plaintiff's ear? Witness: No. Attorney: (Smugly) THEN HOW DO YOU "KNOW" THAT THE DEFENDANT BIT OFF THE EAR OF THE PLAINTIFF IF YOU DID NOT SEE HIM DO IT??!! Witness: I saw him spit it out. (Dead Silence) Attorney: No more questions.

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Funny's

Mindless I
Does the Little Mermaid wear an alge bra?
-----------------------------------------------------------

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
-----------------------------------------------------------

How is it possible to have a civil war?
-----------------------------------------------------------

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
-----------------------------------------------------------

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
----------------------------------------------------------

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
----------------------------------------------------------

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
----------------------------------------------------------

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
-----------------------------------------------------------

Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
-----------------------------------------------------------

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
-----------------------------------------------------------

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
-----------------------------------------------------------

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
-----------------------------------------------------------

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
-----------------------------------------------------------

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
-----------------------------------------------------------
Trying these underlines, to see if I can get them to space apart!

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Funnies

Mindless I
Does the Little Mermaid wear an alge bra?
-----------------------------------------------------------

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
-----------------------------------------------------------

How is it possible to have a civil war?
-----------------------------------------------------------

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
-----------------------------------------------------------

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
----------------------------------------------------------

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
----------------------------------------------------------

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
----------------------------------------------------------

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
-----------------------------------------------------------

Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
-----------------------------------------------------------

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
-----------------------------------------------------------

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
-----------------------------------------------------------

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
-----------------------------------------------------------

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
-----------------------------------------------------------

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
-----------------------------------------------------------
Trying these underlines, to see if I can get them to space apart!

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Funny E-mails

"I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me, "What do you do at a red light?"

I said, "I don't know, look around, listen to the radio."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young woman confides to a friend that she wants to quit smoking, but nothing she does seems to work.

"Have you tried the patch?" her friend asks.

"No, that's one thing I haven't tried," the woman says, "because I'm not sure it works."

Says her friend, "I'm sure it would if you put it over your mouth."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I came out of a convenience store the other day and some seedy looking guy walks up to me and holds up a little sign: "DEAF and DUMB... Can you spare $10?"

Wow! What happened to a dollar or two? So I reached into my pocket for my wallet, opened it, took out a folded piece of paper and handed it to him.

It said: "I CAN'T READ" and I walked away.

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Funny E-mails

On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The Florist's son brought Flowers.


The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.


The liquor owner's son brought up a big heavy box. The teacher lifted it up, and noticed it was leaking a
little bit.
The teacher touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "is it wine?" "No" the little boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked "Is it Champagne?" "No," said the little boy....."I give up!" she
asked "What is it?" the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

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Wonderful Philosophical Ponderances

(This looked so nice in Dk Blue and Bold!)

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't
even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed
with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess"
on it. So I said. "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just
standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get
one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They
know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a
screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the
airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too
many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and
Shithead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that
one special person you want to annoy for the rest of
your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore,
I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for
number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run
for President and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant
like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't
want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear
Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know
where it's been!"

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of
jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you
saying, "Damn...that was fun

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