Friends

Friends > > > > Me And You Is Friends .. > > > > You Smile, I Smile .... > > > > You Hurt, I Hurt ... > > > > You Cry, I Cry .. > > > > You Jump Off A Bridge .. > > > > I'm Gonna Miss You > > Psalm 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me"...

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FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?" Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... " "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy." "Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . " St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run." Give me a sense of humor, Lord. Give me the ability to understand a clean joke, To get some humor out of life. Eccl: 13:31 The heart of a man changes his countenance, either for good or for evil.

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Facts of Life 3

21. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead? ----------------------------------------------------------- 22. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? ---------------------------------------------------------- 23. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? ---------------------------------------------------------- 24. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? ---------------------------------------------------------- 25. Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? ---------------------------------------------------------- 26. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? ---------------------------------------------------------- 27. Sponges grow in the ocean...That kills me! I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if THAT didn't happen? ---------------------------------------------------------- 28. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? ---------------------------------------------------------- 29. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? ---------------------------------------------------------- 30. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? ---------------------------------------------------------- Psalm 90:14 "O satisfy us early with thy mercy; that we may rejoice and be glad all our days"...

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Gettin' Older

Getting Older >> >> Three old guys are out walking. >> First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" >> Second one says, "No, its Thursday!" >> Third one says, "So am I. Lets go get a beer." >> ---------------------------------------------------------- >> >> A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. >> It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's >> perfect" >> "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" >> "Twelve thirty." >> --------------------------------------------------------- >> >> Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few > days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous > young lady on his arm. >> >> A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're >> really > doing great, aren't you?" >> >> Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be > cheerful.' " >> >> The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be > careful.'" >> ---------------------------------------------------------- >> >> A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled > himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. >> >> After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. >> >> The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" ! >> >> "No," he replied, "arthritis". ----------------------------------------------------------- Psalm 25:2 "O my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me".

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Nuther Froggie Joke

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, BOOM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, BOOM -she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then enquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down. The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story: Women are really stupid but think they are really clever PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen. Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees? ---------------------------------------------------------- Psalm 66:20 "Blessed be God, which hath not turned away my prayer, nor his mercy from me".....

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Facts of Life 2

11. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. ----------------------------------------------------------- 12. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. ---------------------------------------------------------- 13. Drinker's Law: You can't fall off the floor. ---------------------------------------------------------- 14. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. ----------------------------------------------------------- 15. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. ----------------------------------------------------------- 16. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. ----------------------------------------------------------- 17. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. ----------------------------------------------------------- 18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? ----------------------------------------------------------- 19. Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? ----------------------------------------------------------- 20. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? ----------------------------------------------------------- Psalm 84:4 "Blessed are they that dwell in thy house: they will be still praising thee

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Fear of Alligators

Fear of Alligators While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em." hehe

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Neat Web Site

Here is a neat web site, where you can click on any disease or problem, and see what others used to cure it...interesting!! http://www.otan.us/webfarm/emailproject/rem.htm

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Facts of Life 1 - 10

Facts of life 1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. ------------------------------------------------------- 2. If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you. ------------------------------------------------------- 3. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. -------------------------------------------------------- 4. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. -------------------------------------------------------- 5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it. --------------------------------------------------------- 6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. ---------------------------------------------------------- 7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. ---------------------------------------------------------- 8. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. ---------------------------------------------------------- 9. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. ---------------------------------------------------------- 10. Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live. ---------------------------------------------------------- Psalm 84:4 "Blessed are they that dwell in thy house: they will be still praising thee

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EYE EXAM FUNNY

Eye Exam I worked for an Ophtalmologist for 23 years, and in my first years we had these funny (now) things happen. A man comes into the office for an eye exam. I take him into the room to do a history on him, he hands me a note, that read: My Primary Dr. says that I have to take my pants off before I have exams, so you can get a good exam. I siad, 'Sir this is a eye exam, you do not have to undress. He got mad and walked out! New to the practise, one day a man comes in and I waited on him and he said: I have a problem with my eye, What kind of problem I asked? He opened his hand and in his hand he had an eyeball. I backed away. First it made me sick and 2nd I ran to the Doctor to have him come and see this guy, the Doctor then told me it was a prosthetic eye. He just needs it cleaned. The office laughed their butts off,. they said I turned several shades of whitewhen he showed me that eyeball. A few years ago, one of the pts that we had seen for years and he liked to joke around on each visit. This day I was helping out front, checking in patients. He said, "Mary have you ever seen rattle snake eggs?" "No" I said. then he hands me this envelope, and said the eggs are inside, I proceded to open it when this noise and movement started, I jumped out of my chair, threw my pen and of course yelled. He and his wife and the reception room started laughing so hard, he came around the desk and hugged me. In this envelopeis a rubber band wrapped around something, so when you release the pressure the rubber band unwinds and moves, it sounds like a rattle snake. Believe me it scared the crap out of me. Whenever he came in he always laughed at me, and said I was the best laugh he ever had. You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body. ~C.S. Lewis

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All Things Have

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender. --------------------------------------------- Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. ---------------------------------------------- Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. ---------------------------------------------- A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated. ---------------------------------------------- A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part. ---------------------------------------------- Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water. ---------------------------------------------- A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on. ----------------------------------------------- A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. ----------------------------------------------- An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. ----------------------------------------------- A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. ----------------------------------------------- A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying! ------------------------------------------------ Heart Attacks God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

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UP

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP." It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? -------------------------------------------------- Why do we speak UP and why are the officers up for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? -------------------------------------------------- We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. -------------------------------------------------- We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. -------------------------------------------------- At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. ---------------------------------------------------- And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. ---------------------------------------------------- We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. ----------------------------------------------------- We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP. ----------------------------------------------------- To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty. ------------------------------------------------------ If you are UP to! it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. ------------------------------------------------------ When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile,things dry UP. ------------------------------------------------------- One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so I'll shut UP..... --------------------------------------------------------- Psalm 2:12 Blessed are all they that put their trust in him".....

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Californians

Californians ---------------------------------------------------------- So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if: ----------------------------------------------------------- 1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible. ----------------------------------------------------------- 2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house. ----------------------------------------------------------- 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. ----------------------------------------------------------- 4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower. ----------------------------------------------------------- 5. You can't remember . . . . is pot illegal? ----------------------------------------------------------- 6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. ----------------------------------------------------------- 7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. ----------------------------------------------------------- 8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal? ----------------------------------------------------------- 9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. ----------------------------------------------------------- 10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. ----------------------------------------------------------- 11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney. ----------------------------------------------------------- 12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. ----------------------------------------------------------- 13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal? ----------------------------------------------------------- 14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH." ----------------------------------------------------------- 15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers. ----------------------------------------------------------- 16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. ----------------------------------------------------------- 17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal???? ----------------------------------------------------------- 18. Both you AND your dog have therapists. ----------------------------------------------------------- 19. The Terminator is your governor. ----------------------------------------------------------- 20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one. ----------------------------------------------------------- Wis. 7:6 For all men have the same entrance into life, and the like going out.

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Cajun Fishin'

Cajun Fishing hehe like them smart fish!! A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Deez here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" "Ya. Avery night I take deez here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works." "Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" said the Cajun. "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH!" "What fish?" Folks in Louisiana may not be as smart as some, but they aren't as dumb as most Psalm 145:19 "He will fulfil the desire of them that fear him: he also will hear their cry, and will save them"..

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More/Steven Wright

More from Steven Wright I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > I had amnesia once -- maybe twice. > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy. > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle. > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > They told me I was gullible.... and I believed them. > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows > up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > What if there were no hypothetical questions? > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > One nice thing about egotists... they don't talk about other people. > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail. > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > My weight is perfect for my height.... which varies. > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > How can there be self-help "groups"? > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > Is there another word for synonym? > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > The speed of time is one second per second. > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > Is it possible to be totally partial? > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > What's another word for thesaurus? > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. > >-------------------------------------------------------- > > Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? ----------------------------------------------------------- Psalm 25:5 "Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day"....

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Iraq-Did You Know

IRAQ - VERY INTERESTING - DID YOU KNOW? 1. The garden of Eden was in Iraq. 2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq, was the cradle of civilization! 3. Noah built the ark in Iraq. 4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq. 5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq! 6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq. 7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq. 8. Jonah preached in Nineveh - which is in Iraq. 9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel. 10. Amos cried out in Iraq! 11 Babylon, which is in Iraq, destroyed Jerusalem. 12. Daniel was in the lion's den in Iraq! 13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (Jesus had been in Iraq also as the fourth person in the fiery furnace!) 14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the "writing on the wall" in Iraq. 15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq. 16.. Ezekiel preached in Iraq. 17. The wise men were from Iraq. 18. Peter preached in Iraq. 19. The "Empire of Man" described in Revelation is called Babylon,which was a city in Iraq! And you have probably seen this one. Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible. But do you know which nation is second? It is Iraq! However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible. The names used in the Bible are Babylon, Land of Shinar, and Mesopotamia. The word Mesopotamia means between the two rivers, more exactly between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers. The name Iraq, means country with deep roots. Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant country in the Bible. Here's why! Eden was in Iraq - Genesis 2:10-14 Adam & Eve were created in Iraq - Genesis 2:7-8 Satan made his first recorded appearance in Iraq - Genesis 3:1-6 Nimrod established Babylon & The Tower of Babel was built in Iraq Genesis 10:8-97; 11:1-4 The confusion of the languages took place in Iraq Genesis 11:5-11 Abraham came from a city in Iraq - Genesis 11:31; Acts 7:2-4 Isaac's bride came from Iraq - Genesis 24:3-4; 10 Jacob spent 20 years in Iraq - Genesis 27:42-45; 31:38 The first world Empire was in Iraq - Daniel 1:1-2;2:36-38 The greatest revival in history was in a city in Iraq - Jonah 3 The events of the book of Esther took place in Iraq - Esther The book of Nahum was a prophecy against a city in Iraq - Nahum The book or Revelation has prophecies against Babylon (Iraq's former name). Revelation 17 &18 No other nation, except Israel, has more history and prophecy associated it than Iraq. And also... This is something to think about! Since America is typically represented by an eagle. Saddam should have read up on his Muslim passages... The following verse is from the Quran, (the Islamic Bible) Quran (9:11) - For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and there was peace. (Note the verse number!) Hmmmmmmm?! God Bless you all Amen ! I BETTER NOT HEAR OF ANYONE BREAKING THIS ONE OR SEE DELETED This is a ribbon for soldiers fighting in Iraq. Pass it on to everyone and pray. Something good will happen to you tonight at 11:11 PM. This is not a joke. Someone will either call you or will talk to you online and say that they love you. Do not break this chain. Send this to 13 people in the next 15 minutes. Go. "If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier." (amen!)

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True Doctor Stories

True Doctor Stories >.......................................................... > A man comes into the ER and yells, > "My wife's going to > have her baby in the > cab!" I grabbed my stuff, > rushed out to the cab, > lifted the lady's --Dress, > and began to take off her > underwear. Suddenly I > noticed that there were > several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. > > --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX >---------------------------------------------------------- > > > > At the beginning of my shift > I placed a stethoscope on > an elderly and > slightly deaf female patient's > anterior chest wall. > Big breaths," I > instructed. "Yes, they used to be," > remorsefully > replied the patient. > > --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA > > --------------------------------------------------------- > One day I had to be the bearer > of bad news when I told > a wife that her > husband had died of a massive > myocardial infarct. Not > more than five minutes > later, I heard her reporting > to the rest of the family > that he had died of a > "massive internal fart." > > --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada > --------------------------------------------------------- > > > I was performing a complete physical, > including the > visual acuity test. I > placed the patient twenty > feet from the chart and > began, "Cover your right > eye with your hand." He read > the 20/20 line perfectly. > "Now your left." > Again, a flawless read. " Now both," > I requested. There > was silence. He > couldn't even read the > large E on the top line. I > turned and discovered that > he had done exactly what > I had asked; he was standing > there with both h is > eyes covered. I was laughing > too hard to finish the exam. > > --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA >---------------------------------------------------------- > > During a patient's two week > follow-up appointment with > his cardiologist, he > informed me, his doctor, > that he was having trouble > with one of his > medications. Which one?" > I asked. The patch. The nurse > told me to put on a > new one every six hours and > now I'm running out of > places to put it!" I had > him quickly undress and > discovered what I hoped I > wouldn't see. > > Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! > > Now the instructions include removal of > the old patch before applying a new one. > > --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA > --------------------------------------------------------- > > While acquainting myself with > a new elderly patient, I > asked, "How long have > you been bed-ridden?" > After a look of complete > confusion she answered, > "Why, not for about twenty years > -- when my husband was alive." > > --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR > > --------------------------------------------------------- > I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, > "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" > "It's very good, except for the Kentucky > Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," > the patient replied. I then asked to see the > jelly and the woman produced a foil packet > labeled "KY Jelly." > > --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI >---------------------------------------------------------- > > And Finally . . . . > > > A new, young MD doing his > residency in OB was quite > embarrassed performing > female pelvic exams. To cover > his embarrassment he had > unconsciously formed > a habit of whistling softly. > > The middle aged lady upon whom > he was performing this > exam suddenly burst > out laughing and further > embarrassed him. He looked up > from his work and > sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. > Was I tickling you?" > > She replied, "No doctor, > but the song you were > whistling was 'I wish I was > an Oscar Meyer Wiener." > > --won't admit his name ----------------------------------------------------------- Psalm 90:14 "O satisfy us early with thy mercy; that we may rejoice and be glad all our days"...

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Pass The Butter

Pass the butter ~ ~ ~ ~ This is interesting. Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back. It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it? They have come out with some clever new flavorings. DO YOU KNOW...the difference between margarine and butter? Read on to the end...gets very interesting! Both have the same amount of calories. Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams. Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study. Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.. Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because they are added! Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods. Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years. And now, for Margarine.. Very high in trans fatty acids. Triple risk of coronary heart disease. Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol) Increases the risk of cancers up to five fold. Lowers quality of breast milk. Decreases immune response. Decreases insulin response. And here's the most disturbing fact.... HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING! Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC.. This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance). You can try this yourself: Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things: * no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something) * it does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value; nothing will grow on it Even those teeny weeny microorganisms will not a find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic. Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast? Share This With Your Friends.....(If you want to "butter them up")! "Do not enjoy yourself. Enjoy dances and theaters and joy-rides and champagne and oysters; enjoy jazz and cocktails and night-clubs if you can enjoy nothing better; enjoy bigamy and burglary and any crime in the calendar, in preference to the other alternative; but never learn to enjoy yourself."

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The Butler

Butler This rich couple were going out for the evening when the woman of the house decided to give the butler the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, and came home early.As she walks into the house she sees Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She calls for him to follow her. She leads him into the master bedroom, where she closes and locks the door. She looks at him and smiles. "Jeeves. Take off my dress." He does this carefully. "Jeeves. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeys her. "Jeeves. Remove my bra and panties." As he does this, the tension continues to mount. She looks at him. "Jeeves. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!" A guy came home and found his wife in bed with three guys. "Hello, hello, hello!" he screamed at them. "Aren't you talking to me?" his wife snapped. Did you hear about the blonde who put under "Education" on her job application, 'Hooked On Phonics'... Psalm 113:1-2 Praise, you servants of the Lord, praise the name of the Lord Blessed be the name of the Lord both now and forever.

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The Train

When my younger brother and I were about 9 and 10 we had gone out the back door of the cafe our folks owned, just as a train pulled in, we ran to the engine as the guys came off of it and asked if it would be ok to climb into the engine to look at it! They said "yes, but don't touch anything!!" Really dumb on their part - how does one look at things....by touch!! We played around in it for maybe five minutes, and I believe it was Darrell who pulled a lever back, the train lurched backwards and I yelled, "put it back forward!" he did 'hehe' but all the way forward! the wheels made a screeching sound and the train lurched ahead. We bid it farewell, bailed out and ran home and hid under the bed. When the engineers came back they found their train gone and us too! They immediately assumed we were still on it, but if they thought we might bring it back...they were in for a surprise!! They got hold of the sheriff and learning the train was moving forward, all headed for Hot Springs watching for it all the way, they did get ahead of it, but couldn't get aboard at Hot Springs, so called ahead to Chadron Neb. to get a team there to catch it, and they were able to as Neb. is flat land and they could drive along side it and get a man aboard. It was only much later that we had learned all this, and were quite amazed that we didn't get in trouble, but found out the sheriff didn't have much use for the stupidity of the engineers in giving us permission to go aboard un -attended!! Ahhh a day in the life!!!

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Be Pilot Dropmaster

TRY YOUR SKILL AS AN RAF--PILOT-DROPMASTER !! ----------------------------------------------------------- Okay, all you pilots and wannabe pilots. Let's test your dexterity! Here's your chance to see how you would do as the pilot (and loadmaster) Of an RAF aircraft over a drop zone. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://www.rafcareers.com/altitude/games/dz_game/dzgame.cfm

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Wanna be 6 again...

Gotta add this one!!) Wanna be six again? A husband asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd like to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he woke early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to Disneyland. What a day! They went on every ride in the park, the Matterhorn, Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the Haunted Mansion.. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. They drove to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, along with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "Is that what this crazy day was all about? I meant my dress size.

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Burned the Jail!!

When Darrell and I were about 8 & 9 years old, they had an old jailhouse no longer used, it had a lot of straw on the floor, and when we 'discovered' it there was a large scoop shovel in it. We went back to the cafe and got as many eggs as we could carry, went back, set the scoop up against the wall, stood back and tried to see how many times we could hit it! We hit it many times until we ran out of eggs. Then we started a small fire in the straw, let it get up a bit and beat it out with the shovel...great fun!!!! A little bigger next time, bigger it got, but we beat it out, Gotta have bigger still! we let it get quite a bit bigger, but when we tried to beat it out, the fire and straw flew forward catching more on fire so it quickly got away from us....home we ran!!! A little while later the Sheriff came in and said Duane out from under that bed, Darrell out of that closet!! How the heck did he know where we were hiding?? We came out of our respective hiding places, with mom and dad there too, he asked us why we set the jail on fire....you know what? Darrell has always been the better liar...and still is!!! He spoke up and said we were trying to fry some eggs on a shovel for a bum! of course I nodded assent! The Sheriff nodded to mom and dad, and told them there were eggs fried onto the shovel! Mom went and looked, came back and told the Sheriff 8 eggs were missing from the case! What did the bum look like? I don't know...a man!!! And we were again off the hook without a licking!!!

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Cute Game..

Really cute "game" try clicking on everything...once I got thru the first of the 3 "rooms" it wasn't so hard.....a lil cheat....the cactus...Let me know if you have problems! hehe http://hollywoodrecords.go.com/polyphonicspree/questfortherest/ Put your brains to work...

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Ventriloquist

Ventriloquist A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. ----------------------------------------------------------- Hes going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says "Ive heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a persons physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human been?" ----------------------------------------------------------- The ventriloquist looks on in amazement. "Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimmination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor." ----------------------------------------------------------- Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this , mister, Im talking to that little bastard on your knee!".

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