Service Meanings

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the
word
"service."

It's the act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I
thought
"service" meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had
hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into
perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are
doing to us.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

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Red Necks or Blue Necks

OK...here is the flip side of all the jokes about Red Necks:

Blue Necks are Northerners -- the opposite of Rednecks.

Because of Redneck jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folks
look at Northerners (or how Northerners sometimes think of themselves.)

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF...

....Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call
them "youse guys," even if both of them are women.
....You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
....You think Heinz Ketchup is REALLY SPICY.

....You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the
side of the road. (e.g., boiled peanuts).
....You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
correctly.
....For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits.

....You don't know what a moon pie is.

....You've never had an RC Cola.
....You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled.
....You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
....You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen
are on road trips.
....You have no idea what a polecat is.
....You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog.
....You don't have bangs.
....You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

.......You drink either "Pop" or "Soda"- instead of "Cokes."
....You've never eaten and don't know how to make a tomato or banana sandwich.
....You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knife show.
....You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
....You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
....The last time you smiled was when you blocked someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway.
....You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
....You have more than one professional sports team in your home state.
....You call binoculars opera glasses.
....You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
....You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob,
Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)
....You don't know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie,
Johnnie, Jimmie)
....You don't have Maw-maw's & Pawpaw's.
....You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
....None of your fur coats are homemade.

If a smile a day will keep the doctor away,
just think what a thousand chuckles will do for ya !


People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

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String Bean Spirituality

String Bean Spirituality
A visit to the grocery store changes the way I look at produce--and people.

Patience is a virtue. One of the many I lack. Never more evident than when I am grocery shopping.

Some days the only time I get out of the house is when I force myself to head to the market to buy what I need for dinner. Oftentimes I go there with absolutely nothing in mind and find myself inspired by the aromas of fresh-baked bread or slow-roasted chicken. I enjoy the experience, except for the crowded vegetable section of the store. This is where most people slow down so they can inspect, fondle, smell, and squeeze until they have discovered that one grapefruit, that special cantaloupe that everyone else missed.
I can be seen, plastic bag in hand, waiting, moaning, and huffing as I finally slump over my cart in frustration. In just a few seconds I'm in and out, green pepper in hand and on my way to the scale to slap that sticker on it. No big deal for me.

Except for yesterday.

I decided to pick up some string beans. Of all the sections in the vegetable market, the string bean people move the slowest. One bean at a time. "Oh, Lord give me patience!" I said to myself as I approached the counter.

There, blocking access with his cart, was an elderly man. His messy white hair, flipped up in the back, made him look like a 80-year-old hippie. He was average height and looked much like a string bean himself. Thin and frail-looking, he moved slowly and his hands seemed to tremble as he searched through the pile of beans.

Without turning his head toward me, he said, "It takes time to find the right ones. There's an art to this, you know."

"I didn't realize that," I said. "Although that explains why everyone spends so much time here. They're artists."

"I see them as people," he replied.

"The beans?" I asked.

"Yes." he said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"See this one? This short, stubby one would tend to get passed over. Its appearance doesn't fit the perfect image of a long, thin, crisp bean. Most likely, after too much handling, the clerk will toss it out thinking no one wants it. So I take it. People don't know what they are missing, passing up this one," he continued.

"Now I know this curved one won't be used either. Some people see food as more than nourishment. It's all in the presentation. The image of a few select beans, all of the same length, lying on a plate nestled perfectly next to the entrée, supposedly adds to the enjoyment of the meal. I for one see my food as representing life itself. The world is full of texture, odd shapes and sizes. My world is not perfect. Nor is my dinner plate," he said.

Suddenly I realized that we were the only ones in this aisle. Very unusual for this time of day. I was calm and very attentive to everything this man was saying. Also unusual.

"Yes, this pile of beans reminds me that people come into my life in all sizes. Some are broken like this one. Others are still attached to the vine where they were nourished and protected and oftentimes were ripped away from their roots, carrying with them resentment and fear. Like this bean, the vine needs to be removed so that it can be seen in its full beauty and not one clinging to things of the past," he said as he tossed them in his bag.
A few minutes had passed as I stood in silence just watching the old man as he dug deep into the pile, turning and tossing them from the bottom as one would stir a salad.

"Well, I must go now," the man said. "I'll leave you with these 'human beans.' Be kind to them. Don't judge them just by looks. Inside everyone of them is the same life-giving elements. But like people, many will never be given the chance." he said.
"So they end up on the bottom, tossed aside?" I asked.

"The difference is," he replied, "as people we have a choice not to settle for the garbage heap."

He tied the top of the plastic bag and turned away, missing the cart completely as he tried to place it inside.

"Sir, let me get that for you," I said.

"Every once in a while I misjudge the distance. I've been blind all of my life. You'd think I'd have this worked out by now."

Blind? I couldn't believe it. Suddenly a young lady appeared from around the corner.

"Poppa! I'm over here, straight ahead of you. Would you like me to pick out some nice tomatoes?"

"No, honey. I know just what I need," he said.

Turning back toward where I was standing, he whispered, "She's always in such a hurry. She'll miss the best ones. Have a great day!"

What insight. What vision this old man had. A blind man helped me to see what joy I had been missing in the simple act of shopping for vegetables. I wonder what else I have been blind to in the hurry of my day.

By the way, tonight we're having brussel sprouts. I can't wait to get back to the market.
Kindness, a language deaf people can hear and blind can see.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close

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Bar. Many Calls?

Phone Won't Stop Ringing?

Here's What You Do

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.

From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.

Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.

The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch her favorite soap opera, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.

Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.

People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.

Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."

Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."

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Bar. Nuclear?

I have a friend who flew Lear Jets for the U.S. Air Force. He would occasionally be assigned to an air show where one of his tasks was answering questions about his plane. Someone would always point to the fuel tank and ask if it was a missile. His standard answer was, "I can neither confirm or deny the presence of nuclear weapons on this aircraft."
.
.
"A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell." C.S Lewis

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Bar. Don't name your Dog...

What Not To Name Your Dog
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mineSex.
Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said,"But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up Friday.

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Barnabus - Redneck Mama

Redneck MaMa
>
> A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
>
> "WOW," the social worker exclaims," Are they ALL YOURS???"
>
> "Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that
> question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy."
>
> All the children rush to find seats.
>
> "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll
>need all your ch! ildren's names."
>
> "This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."
>
> "OK, and who's next?"
>
> "Well, this one he is Leroy, also."
>
> The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the
> oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy.
>
> Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
>
> "All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL
> named Leroy?"
>
> Their Momma replied,! "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to
>get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
>
> An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.'
>
> An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell
> 'Leroy' and all of them stop.! It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'
>them all Leroy."
>
> The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
> and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the
> whole bunch?"
>
> "I call them by their last names."
>
> Hebrews 8:12 For I will forgive their evildoing and remember their sins no more.

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Barnabus - Their Hymns

> The Dentist's Hymn
> Crown Him with Many Crowns
>
> The Weatherman's Hymn
> There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
>
> The Contractor's Hymn
> The Church's One Foundation
>
> The Tailor's Hymn
> Holy, Holy, Holy
>
> The Golfer's Hymn
> There Is A Green Hill Far Away
>
> The Politician's Hymn
> Standing on the Promises
>
> The Optometrist's Hymn
> Open My Eyes That I Might See
>
> The IRA Agent's Hymn
> I Surrender All
>
> The Gossip's Hymn
> Pass It On
>
> The Electrician's Hymn
> Send The Light
>
> The Shopper's Hymn
> Sweet By and By
>
> The Realtor's Hymn
> I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
>
> The Massage Therapist's Hymn
> He Touched Me
>
> The Doctor's Hymn
> The Great Physician
>
> And for you motorists?
>
> 45 mph
> God Will Take Care of You
>
> 55 mph
> Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
>
> 65 mph
> Nearer My God To Thee
>
> 75 mph
> Nearer Still Nearer
>
> 85 mph
> This World Is Not My Home
>
> 95 mph
> Lord, I'm Coming Home
>
> Over 100 mph
> Precious Memories
>
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

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Barnabus - 2 Women

Two women died and found themselves standing side by side waiting in line to
learn of their eternal dwelling place. They began comparing stories on how
they died.
.
1st woman: "I froze to death."
.
2nd woman: "How horrible!"
.
1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began
to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"
.
2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband
was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found him all by himself in the den watching TV."
.
1st woman: "So what happened?"
.
2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman&n bsp; there somewhere
that I started running all over the house looking.
.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I
went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I
just keeled over with a heart attack and died!"
1st woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be
alive."

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Barnabus 201

Back when I had the TV rentals at the hospitals, a man was in room 201 at St. John's Hospital. He was from Wyoming, and I enjoyed chatting with him every day. He owned part interest in a Condominium in Florida, liked fishing and had a good size fishing boat, and he was interesting to talk to. One night after I went to bed, I don't know if I was awake or asleep, but I imagined I was entering his room, and stopped in the doorway. About 12 to 16 inches above his chest, in big black numbers, was the number 16. I believe he was asleep, when I thought I was there, but it was spooky enough that I woke up. I lay in bed thinking about it and wondering what it meant, then I decided it meant that he was going to die on the 16th.
I now wish I had been a better Christian, but was not much of one at the time, and as the days went by he showed no sign of getting worse, and I sure didn't tell him about what I thought was a dream, and was not positive of it's meaning, and the 16th was still several weeks away.
On the 16th, I noted the door was closed to his room...that should have been a good sign not to go in! but I knocked and he invited me in...I noted immediately his eyes were rolled up in his head. He said, "Open the drapes and turn on the light...it's really dark in here!" I told him, "They want you to get your rest, so better leave it alone!" It was bright as day in there, the time was around 3:30 in the afternoon and you surely didn't need a light on!
He reached for his checkbook, as he was a week behind in paying me, He said, "Here I'll write you a check for the TV, turn on the light" For a moment I wondered how he could write a check, but immediately told him, "Jim, I trust you, don't worry about it! I'll catch you tomorrow or whenever!"
The next day I found out he had died about 10:30 that night.
I now regard it as sad to have this information, and at the time have it be of so little use! I don't recall even praying for the man!...What a travesty!!

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Loved this one!

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. The locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head, fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled with forcefulness. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He mounted up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and replied, "I had to walk home."

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Barnabus

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. . Gardening Rule When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. . If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. . The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. . Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians: The quick and the dead. Life is sexually transmitted. . Health is merely the slowest possible rate which one can die. . The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. . Some people are like slinlkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. . Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed that since everyone has a camcorder no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to. . In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. . How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? . Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize it bears a very close resemblance to the first. . Mark 2:17 I did not come to call the righteous but sinners

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Knowledge

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capones's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite .
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

............Now you know everything
Be ye fishers of men You catch them - He'll clean them.

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Lines to make you smile

>THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
>>
>>
>>1.. My husband and I divorced over religious
>differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
>>
>>2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
>>3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
>>4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
>>5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
>>6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
>>7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
>>8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
>>9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
>>10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
>>11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
>>12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
>>13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
>>14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
>>15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
>>16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
>>17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
>>18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to
>Be When I Grew up.
>>
>>19.. Procrastinate Now!
>>20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want
>Fries With That?
>>
>>21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
>>22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
>>23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
>>24..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
>>25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
>>26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses
>up three thousand times the memory.
>>
>>27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
>>for a pig.
>>28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
>>29.. The original point and click interface was a
>Smith and Wesson.
>>
>>30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

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Quality Time

Back when I lived in the basement apartment on St. Charles street, I loved the hours from midnight to 3:00 AM I could play computer games, and knew mom wouldn't be hollering at me, and I'd be getting no phone calls so would be undisturbed. Usually by my bedtime, I'd be too tired to do much but a few basic prayers, and couldn't concentrate to read the Bible.
One night just before 10:00 PM (22:00) the Lord intervened and asked, "How about a little quality time, instead of the dregs left over after you've used every available good minute?"
Just then from mom's TV upstairs, Johnny Carson came on. I replied to the Lord, "Let that song be my reminder to get into prayer time, and I agree to do it!" I really think I could be wearing ear plugs and I'd hear that song and be reminded!! but it worked, I would always do my prayer time then, and that has held over for the last 20+ years
Years later, I had moved to the High Rise, and in the morning after my coffee, I would fire up the computer for a game or two. One morning the Lord intervened again, "You wouldn't want to give up some of your morning time for me would you?" Thus began my morning prayer time that I've been really faithful to for the last 10 or more years.
The really sad thing though, is that the Lord had to intervene to get me to do what I should have been doing all along, putting the Lord first instead of last!

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Sad Obit

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense.
Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. i.e. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, spilled a bit in her lap and was awarded a huge financial settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. The Bible tells us the day will come when you say, "What ever happened to understanding? - Where did wisdom go?"
If you still remember him, pass this on; if not, join the majority and do nothing.
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.*

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Caretaker

CARETAKER
At dawn the telephone rings.
.
"Hello, Senor? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
.
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
.
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
.
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International Competition?"
.
"Si, that's the one."
.
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What
did he die from?"
.
"From eating rotten meat."
.
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
.
"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
.
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
.
"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling
the water cart."
.
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
.
"The one we used to put out the fire."
.
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
.
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."
.
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What
was the candle for?"
.
"For the funeral."
.
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
.
"Your mother-in-law's...She showed up one night out of the blue, and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike
Driver."
.
SILENCE......

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Men are Happier People

Men are just happier people
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, they can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for all your relatives on December 24 in 30 minutes.
No wonder men are happier

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Forgiven!

A long time ago, I was extremely angry with God just in general I guess. This went on for well over a year, and though I had to go to church with my mother, I cursed God the whole hour I was there, I didn't want to be there, and He would get no satisfaction for my being there. I got into a discussion with a police Lieutenant, who lived next door, and expressed my anger toward God to him. I don't remember all he said, but he made just a little difference.
In the summer, I would get a glass of Ice tea, sit out on the outside deck, and curse God to his face. One day I made the statement to Him, "You wouldn't be satisfied if I crawled from here to New York on my knees, I want you out of my mind and out of my life, what the hell do you want? He replied, "I want you to spend three days in prayer." I don't know why, but this instantly & totally took all the sass out of me.
A day or two went by, and though I tried to spend some time in prayer, I went back and said to Him, "Lord,
I can't spend 15 minutes in prayer, much less three days!" There was no answer so I walked away. The next day while looking for something else, I found 3 old prayer books, two of which my Grandmother once had.
I started through them, and wouldn't you guess, it took three days of almost constant reading to get through them! I went back out on the deck afterward, and to the air in general I stated, "I did the 3 days."
The Lord replied, "I want you to do three things, 1. "Stop Analyzing!" "Oh Lord" I said, "it's so ingrained in me," (I could take the most beautiful thing, and analyze it to destruction) "but Lord if you will remind me as soon as I start, I promise to stop immediately!" 2. "I want you to stop committing Spiritual Suicide!" (about the only prayer I ever made was praying for death) "Oh Lord!" I groaned, "I am so set into it, I can't stop, but if you will remind me every time I begin , I will stop immediately!" 3. "Stop Cursing" "Oh Lord..it's the only way I get any relief at all, for the anger and frustration that builds up in me, but if you will help me I will do my very best!"
The following day during my usual routine, it was like I was slowly being dragged to the edge of a cliff, I fought as hard as I could, but got nearer and nearer, right at the edge, I cried out, "I'm sorry Lord but I have to curse you!" Instantly I was completely at peace, and seemingly put 20 yards back away from the edge, the anger or frustration was gone. Soon I was being drug back again, I think this happened 3 or 4 times that day, and at the end of the day, I had a rash on the back of my right hand.
The next day went better, it took a lot more to get me to the edge of the cliff, but when I would cry out, was instantly relieved the same as yesterday. When the second day was done, I had a rash on the palmward side of the wrist of my left hand. The 3rd day, I was only drawn to the edge only once, and when I got home that night, I had a rash on the top of my right foot. I can only think this means I was bound two hands and a foot to Satan, I understand he takes particular charge of blasphemers. Then began my learning to walk with the Lord. I had been constantly apologizing for all I had done, over the next year or so, I must have apologized thousands and thousands of times. One night as I was going to bed, and again was apologizing, The Lord spoke, "I don't know what you are talking about." I replied "Lord! you have to know what I am talking about, ! It went on for so long!!"
He replied, "I have no memory of that, nor is there anything anything written here that says you ever did any of these things, I do not know what you are talking about!" In that moment I learned what forgiveness is. In tears of gratitude, I said , "Thank you Lord." Ever since that time I find it really easy to forgive anything from others, after all the things that the Lord has forgiven me! He was always faithful at reminding me until eventually I got totally away from doing any of the three things.

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Oldie but Goodie

"FIRST GRADER"

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well
known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.

Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses........................until they stop running.
2. Strike while the...........................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before.................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of...........termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but..... ...how?
6. Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
7. No news is.................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a ...................Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ..........math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll..........stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust.......................... me.
12. The pen is mightier than the..............pigs.
13. An idle mind is......................... the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's...............pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who....................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is..........................not much
17. Two's company, three's .................the Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what........ you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.. you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as.......... .....Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed............ get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ...see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind...... ....get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!

25. Better late than.......................... pregnant.

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Poor Lady

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy", I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license, and they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things
will happen!
Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well, Hell, you didn't tell me you had a prescription.

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Helpful Things 2

>When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
>================================================
>Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The thro bbing will go away.
>================================================
>Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. Left over wine? What's that?! :)
>================================================
>To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area And you will experience instant relief.
>================================================
>Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.
>========================== ======================
>Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
>================================================
>When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
>================================================
>Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets,wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China.
>================================================
>Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.
>================================================
>Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
>=================================================
>Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tabl ets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
>================================================
>Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer Tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water.
>===============================================
>Do your friends a favor. Pass this timely (and some not-so-timely) information on to a friend! I just did.
>
>Makes you wonder about ingesting Alka Seltzer, doesn't it?
>
Psalm 112:1 Happy the one who fears the Lord

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Helpful Hints 1

>Helpful Things---who knew?? >===========================================
>Sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed.. (hmmmmmm...)
>============================================
>Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.
>============================================
>For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put Dawn dishwashing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't refreeze.
>(wish I had known this for the last 40 years!)
>==================================================
>Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped in baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).
>============================================
>Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.
>==================================================
>Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would be much more economical. And now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely! In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get sharpened this way!
>============================================
>Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works every time! Now, where to put the body?
>======================== ========================
>Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows on a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.
>================================================
>Spray a bit of perfume on the lightbulb in any room to create a lovely light scent in each room when the light is turned on.
>================================================
>Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will Smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels and linen.
>================================================
>Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 hours prior to burning.
>================================================
>To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!
>=================================================
>To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
>================================================
>Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
>================================================
>Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it Will keep for weeks.

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Horror Story II

This continued two or three weeks, I would order them out in Jesus name,
and in 15 minutes they came back. I noted it would stop at 3:00 AM
I eventually chided the Lord, saying,"What's the problem here, that the
power of your name is not able to keep them out?"
The inspiration came to me, "You are only kicking them out after they
enter, but not preventing them from entering!!"
That night when the party began, I again ordered them out, but this time
I added, "Any evil or harassing spirit even attempting to enter this
house, I bind you in Jesus name, that you cannot enter. I plead the
blood of Jesus as my total covering and protection!!
That was the end....it all stopped from that moment on.....until....I
moved to this hi-rise building!!
The shit started again, not as bad as at mom's house, and I thought it
funny...but it eventually really got loud, and when an upstairs neighbor,
asked my "What were you pounding around 1:00 AM?" I lied to her, saying
"1:00 AM sorry but I'm sound asleep long before then". I saw the look
of fear come into her eyes, and I knew that she knew! I was afraid I
might be evicted for the noise!!
No problem I say to myself, and when the crap started, I responded, " In
Jesus name I command you to depart from this building, and I bind you
that you cannot return!".....I got an instant education, they said "You
cannot prevent us from coming here, as we are invited here!! and we are
allowed to go where ever we are invited"....it sounded logical to me, so
I replied, "Then go where you are invited, I didn't invite you, I know
the people above me, and to either side of me, and below me didn't invite
you either, so depart from us and go only to where you are
invited!".........It didn't stop! some nights it sounded like a big
growling dog at the foot of the bed, I did command them away, but then
couldn't keep them away..
One night I thought the lady above me was playing a record or tape, it
sounded like music from India, really weird!! I couldn't shut it out, so
thought to myself, I will listen closely, maybe I can pick up a few licks
for my guitar!! then I discovered it was groaning and sounded like those
in great pain, like a thousand or two all groaning in pain... I was
unable to stop it, so I just prayed for them, within a half hour to 45
minutes it finally stopped....but I wasn't getting a lot of sleep!!.
I then asked a Priest to come bless my apartment, he came a few days
later, and blessed each room, That night when I went to bed, it sounded
like someone laying at the end of the bed, and they couldn't breathe, or
were having a very difficult time trying to suck in air, and hard to let
out also!!....At first I thought to let it go, it wasn't really bothering
me, but then the thought, "If you give them an inch, they will take a
mile...or if you give them a millimeter, the will take 2 kilometers!!
I had a wooden crucifix laying on my night stand, and I picked it up,
held it high, and without even looking in that direction and ordered
"SILENCE"!! and there has been nothing since then!!
Now for the rest of the time that I've lived here, all the crap has
stopped...no more noise... no more problems!! and it's really peaceful
here now!! and I finally have a "Happy Home"!!! Cya
Addendum: What has come out of this, is a gift of Discernment of Spirits,
which has proven very useful!

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Clock of Lies

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of
St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks
behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth
has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh ," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.
"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office, because he's using it as a ceiling fan."
.
Luke 6:30 Give to everyone who asks of you, and from the one who takes what is yours do not demand it back.

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