INDIAN WINTER
(Sorry this idiot that sent me this....put it all in caps!!)
IT WAS ALREADY LATE FALL AND THE INDIANS ON A REMOTE RESERVATION IN SOUTH
DAKOTA ASKED THEIR NEW CHIEF IF THE COMING WINTER WAS GOING TO BE COLD OR
MILD.
SINCE HE WAS A CHIEF IN A MODERN SOCIETY HE HAD NEVER BEEN TAUGHT THE OLD
SECRETS. WHEN HE LOOKED AT THE SKY HE COULDN'T TELL WHAT THE WINTER WAS
GOING TO BE LIKE.
NEVERTHELESS, TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, HE TOLD HIS TRIBE THAT THE WINTER
WAS INDEED GOING TO BE COLD AND THAT THE MEMBERS OF THE VILLAGE SHOULD
COLLECT FIREWOOD TO BE PREPARED.
BUT BEING A PRACTICAL LEADER, AFTER SEVERAL DAYS HE GOT AN IDEA. HE WENT
TO THE NEAREST PHONE BOOTH, CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AND
ASKED, "IS THE COMING WINTER GOING TO BE COLD?"
"IT LOOKS LIKE THIS WINTER IS GOING TO BE QUITE COLD," THE METEOROLOGIST
AT THE WEATHER SERVICE RESPONDED.
SO THE CHIEF WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND TOLD THEM TO COLLECT EVEN MORE
FIREWOOD IN ORDER TO BE PREPARED.
A WEEK LATER HE CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "DOES IT STILL
LOOK LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER?"
"YES," THE MAN AT NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN REPLIED, "IT'S GOING TO
BE A VERY COLD WINTER."
THE CHIEF AGAIN WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND ORDERED THEM TO COLLECT EVERY
SCRAP OF FIREWOOD THEY COULD FIND.
TWO WEEKS LATER THE CHIEF CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "ARE
YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT THE WINTER IS GOING TO BE VERY COLD?"
"ABSOLUTELY," THE MAN REPLIED. "IT'S LOOKING MORE AND MORE LIKE IT IS
GOING TO BE ONE OF THE COLDEST WINTERS WE'VE EVER SEEN."
"HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE? " THE CHIEF ASKED.
THE WEATHERMAN REPLIED, "THE INDIANS ARE COLLECTING FIREWOOD LIKE CRAZY."
Eccl. 40:17 Grace is like a paradise in blessings, and mercy remains forever.
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See the Air Car?
Here's the website! I Want!!!! Either the
Mini or Pickup!!!!
http://www.theaircar.com/models.html#
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Modern "Bible" Story
One day God spoke to Noah, and He said, "Noah, in six months I shall make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water. I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet, to start anew, so I am ordering you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the Ark. "All right, Lord," said Noah, as he trembled in fear and fumbled with the blueprints. "Six months," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have that Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed. The skies began to fill with dark clouds and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, frowning as he gazed up at the impending weather, and that there was no Ark
A lighting bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah, making him jump. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is my Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord!" Noah begged. "I did my best. But there were a few problems. See... First I had to get a building permit for the proposed Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet thirty-seven clauses in the current building code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans."
"Then I got into a big fight with the county over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. And my neighbors filed complaints, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."
"Then I found I couldn't get enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting the forest to save the Spotted Owls. I had to convince the Fish and Wildlife people that I needed the wood to SAVE the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So I couldn't get any wood OR owls."
"Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I've got 18 carpenters contracted to go on the boat, plus a union rep, and still no owls."
"Then I started gathering up the animals, while waiting for the paperwork on the building, and got sued by six different animal rights groups. Half of them objected to me taking only two of each kind, the rest objected tome taking any at all, and they kept sneaking in at night and letting the ones I had collected free again!"
"Well, just when I got most of the lawsuits dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Then they tried to tell me I couldn't do any construction on the proposed wetlands."
"And now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to bring on board, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of usage tax."
"I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah cried as he fell to his knees in despair.
And the Lord waved his hand, and suddenly the sky began to clear, the sun came out, the drizzle stopped, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up in amazement. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" he asked, hopefully.
"No need," The Lord shook his head.
"The Government already has!"
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DUH ----
1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. 2. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. 3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. 4. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. 5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. 6. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate. 7. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. 8. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet concrete. He became a hardened criminal. 9. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking. 10. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply. 11. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A. 12. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. 13. The dead batteries were given out free of charge. 14. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory. 15. The dentist and the manicurist fought tooth and nail. 16. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway!)
Eccl. 40:25 Gold and silver makes the feet stand sure: but wise counsel is above them both.
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Meet a few of these?
(I think I've met some of these people....hehe)
ONE
My neighbor works in the operations department in the main office of a large bank where he works. Employees in the field, at branches, call him when they have problems with their computers.
One late afternoon he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire in your main Bank downtown?"
TWO
Police in Sioux Falls, SD. interrogated a bank teller suspect by placing a metal bowl on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and the detective pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the teller confessed.
THREE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that one could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We no have half dozen nuggets," said the young man at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only sell six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "Correcto!" So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
FOUR
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much cost this " I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
FIVE
A young secretary in our office was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was trying to use the ATM "thingy" but her PC was not accepting her ATM Card !
SIX
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker on my key ring. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
SEVEN
Last year, we had an Hi-Tech PC Intern from India, who was none too swift. One day she was typing, using MS Word, and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of printer paper. Now what do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper from he printer, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make ten "blank" copies.
EIGHT
I was in a car dealership a last, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the Mexican driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back of the motor home to make a sandwich.
NINE
A mother called 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needed to take her kid to the emergency room, because the kid had ‘eaten ants' and was becoming very blue in color.
The dispatcher told her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine. The mother then said "I just gave him a big dose some Ant Killer stuff to swallow... and now he is turning blue. . ."
The Dispatcher replied: "Rush him to the nearest emergency room - right now!"
Life is tough enough . . . !
But, it's much tougher for many others . . . !
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For those over 40
Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread Mayo on the same cutting Board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't get food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat a bite raw Sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper, in a brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember anybody getting e.coli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE... And risked permanent injury with a pair of hightop Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built-in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have Happened, because they tell us how much safer we are now....
Flunking gym was not an option... Even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the National Anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention. We must have had horribly damaged psyches.
What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything, and she could even give you an aspirin for a headache or fever.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
Oh yeah..and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked!
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either, because if we did, we got our butt spanked there, and then we got butt spanked again when we got home. I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof.
It was a neighborhood run amuck.
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Personality Q
Lets101 Quizzes - Myspace Quizzes For Fun
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Tax it.....
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries, then
Tax his tears.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers,
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.
Then tax his coffin ,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb,
" Taxes drove me to my doom..."
When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The 50% inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Personal Property Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service Charge Tax
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
and the list of taxes goes on and grows annually . . . .
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago,
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle
class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What the hell happened? Can you spell "politicians!"
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Thanksgiving Funnny!!
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think
of to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In
desperation,
John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said ,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend
to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic
change in his behavior, when the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING...
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Abe Lincoln Proclamation
Abraham Lincoln
Proclamations of Thanksgiving
It is the duty of nations as well as of men
to own their dependence upon the overruling
power of God, to confess their sins and
transgressions in humble sorrow, yet with
assured hope that genuine repentance will
lead to mercy and pardon; and to recognize
the sublime truth, announced in the Holy
Scriptures and proven by all history, that
those nations are blessed whose God is the Lord.
We know that by His divine law, nations, like
individuals, are subjected to punishments and
chastisements in this world. May we not just-
ly fear that awful calamity of civil war which now
desolates the land may be a punishment inflicted
upon us for our presumptious sins, to the needful
end of our national reformation as a whole people?
We have been the recipients of the choicest
bounties of heaven; we have been preserved these
many years in peace and prosperity; we have
grown in numbers, wealth and power as no other
nation has ever grown.
But we have forgotten God. We have forgotten
the gracious hand which preserved us in peace and
multiplied and enriched and strengthened us, and
we have vainly imagined, in the decietfulness of our
hearts, that all these blessings were produced by
some superior wisdom and virtue of ou rown.
Intoxicated with unbroken success, we have become
too self-sufficient to feel the necessity of redeeming
and preserving grace, too proud to pray to the god that
made us. A. Lincold March 1863
It has seemed to me fit and proper that God should
be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged, as
with one heart and one voice by the whole American
People. I do therefore invite my Fellow citizens in every
part of the United States, and those who are at sea and
those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart
and observe the last Thursday of November as a day of
Thanksgiving and praise to our beneficient Father who
dwelleth in the Heavens. A. Lincoln Oct. 1863
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Tide Hehe
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product! .
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
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Purina Diet
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the
wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me
asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was
starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because
I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most
of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story! .)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me.
I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a
car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard.
WALMART WON'T let me shop there anymore!!!
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Double Standard!!
MARYLAND STATE'S ATTORNEY REFUSES
HEP B VACCINE FOR HIS OWN KIDS,
FORCES IT ON 2300 OTHERS
Yesterday in Prince George's County, Maryland
where 2300 kids and their 1600 parents were
rounded up and vaccinated at the point of gun - literally!
Read more: http://salsa.democracyinaction.org/o/568/t/1128/content.jsp?content_KEY=3505
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Turkey Shoot!!
Here's another game to play
Happy Thanksgiving, CHECK THIS OUT
Turkey Shoot! Good for even the youngest, as the more you miss the bigger and slower the turkeys get!!
http://www.spiritisup.com/turkeyshoot1.html
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Wondered Why?
1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
4. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
6. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
7. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
8. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet concrete. He became a hardened criminal.
9. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
10. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
11. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.
12. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
13. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
14. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
15. The dentist and the manicurist fought tooth and nail.
16. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway!)
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Help Wanted
>A local business was looking for office help. They
>put a sign in the window saying:
>
>HELP WANTED
>Must be a good typist and be good with a computer.
>Successful applicant must be bilingual.
>We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
>
>A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog
>trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went
>inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his
>tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it,
>whined and pawed the air.
>
>The receptionist called the office manager. He was
>surprised, to say the least to see a canine
>applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so
>he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up
>on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.
>
>The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says
>you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went
>to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a
>perfect business letter. He took out the page and
>trotted over to the manager gave it to him, then
>jumped back up on the chair.
>
>The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That
>was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says
>that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."
>
>The dog jumped down again, went to the computer
>and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with
>various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and
>database, then presented them to the manager.
>
>The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog,
>"Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent
>applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog
>-- no way could I hire you."
>
>The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the
>window and pointed his paw at the words,
>"Equal Opportunity Employer."
>
>The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the
>sign says. But the sign also says you have
>to be bilingual."
>
>The dog looked him straight in the eye and said,
>
>"Meow"
>
>Isaias 24:11 There shall be a crying for wine in the streets: all mirth is forsaken: the joy of the earth is gone away
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Naming the House!
The Jayne Carroll Show is a political talk radio program that airs daily in the Portland, Oregon, metropolitan area. Carroll asked her audience to come up with an official name for the Clinton $1.7 million house in Chappaqua , New York . Carroll's call-in contest required the names to be in relative good taste, to be original, and to capture the essence of one or both of the Clintons. The response was overwhelming! Some names nominated for the Clinton 's home included: Perjurers' PalaceHillBilly VillaThe House of Bill's ReputeDrawers DownsCheatem EstatesSin SimeonThe Knee PadThe White Trash House The Blight HouseThe PanderosaLiars' LairBill & Hill's Bribe & BreakfastThe Clinton CompostDogpatch on the HudsonThe Hen HouseThe Out HouseThe Love ShackThe House of Seven Felonies Motel SexBut the clear, hands-down winner was--DISGRACELAND
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The ??Cowboy
A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders
three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of
each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders
three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat
after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona ,
the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas, we promised
that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm
drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He
orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice
and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes
and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I
joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
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Bubba The Mortician
A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing. The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; "The suit fits him perfectly," she says to Bubba, 'whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check. "Dere's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!'"she says. "Honestly, ma'am," Bubba says, "it didn't cost me a thing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice." "So, I just switched the heads." ---
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Surgeons
Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
The first surgeon says:
"I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds:
"Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says:
"No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in:
"You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."
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The Clinton House
The Jayne Carroll Show is a political talk radio program that airs daily in the Portland, Oregon, metropolitan area. Carroll asked her audience to come up with an official name for the Clinton $1.7 million house in Chappaqua , New York . Carroll's call-in contest required the names to be in relative good taste, to be original, and to capture the essence of one or both of the Clintons. The response was overwhelming! Some names nominated for the Clinton 's home included:
Perjurers' Palace
HillBilly Villa
The House of Bill's Repute
Drawers Downs
Cheatem Estates
Sin Simeon
The Knee Pad
The White Trash House
The Blight House
The Panderosa
Liars' Lair
Bill & Hill's Bribe & Breakfast
The Clinton Compost
Dogpatch on the Hudson
The Hen House
The Out House
The Love Shack
The House of Seven Felonies
Motel Sex
But the clear, hands-down winner was--
DISGRACELAND
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PANIC IN IRAN
SILENCE IN SYRIA, PANIC IN IRAN
Written by Dr. Jack Wheeler - CIA
Wednesday, 19 September 2007
One of India's top ranking generals assigned to liaise with the Iranian military recently returned to New Delhi from several days in Tehran - in a state of complete amazement.
"Everyone in the government and military can only talk of one thing," he reports. "No matter who I talked to, all they could do was ask me, over and over again, Do you think the Americans will attack us?' When will the Americans attack us?' Will the Americans attack us in a joint operation with the Israelis?' How massive will the attack be?' on and on, endlessly. The Iranians are in a state of total panic."
And that was before September 6. Since then, it's panic-squared in Tehran. The mullahs are freaking out in fear. Why? Because of the silence in Syria.
On September 6, Israeli Air Force F-15 and F-16s conducted a devastating attack on targets deep inside Syria near the city of Dayr az-Zawr. Israel's military censors have muzzled the Israeli media, enforcing an extraordinary silence about the identity of the targets.
Massive speculation in the world press has followed, such as Brett Stephens' Osirak II? in yesterday's (9/18) Wall St. Journal.
Stephens and most everyone else have missed the real story. It is not Israel's silence that "speaks volumes" as he claims, but Syria's. Why would the Syrian government be so tight-lipped about an act of war perpetrated on their soil?
The first half of the answer lies in this story that appeared in the Israeli media last month (8/13): Syria's Antiaircraft System Most Advanced In World. Syria has gone on a profligate buying spree, spending vast sums on Russian systems, "considered the cutting edge in aircraft interception technology."
Syria now "possesses the most crowded anti-aircraft system in the world," with "more than 200 anti-aircraft batteries of different types," some of which are so new that they have been installed in Syria "before being introduced into Russian operation service."
An F15/16 attack there is not a tiptoe across the border, but a deep, deep penetration of Syrian airspace. And guess what happened with the Russian super-hyper-sophisticated cutting edge antiaircraft missile batteries when that penetration took place on September 6th.
Nothing.
El blanko. Silence. The systems didn't even light up, gave no indication whatever of any detection of enemy aircraft invading Syrian airspace, zip, zero, nada. The Israelis (with a little techie assistance from us) blinded the Russkie antiaircraft systems so completely the Syrians didn't even know they were blinded.
Now you see why the Syrians have been scared speechless. They thought they were protected - at enormous expense - only to discover they are defenseless. As in naked.
Thus the Great Iranian Freak-Out - for this means Iran is just as nakedly defenseless as Syria. I can tell you that there are a lot of folks in the Kirya (IDF headquarters in Tel Aviv) and the Pentagon right now who are really enjoying the mullahs' predicament. Let's face it: scaring the terror masters in Tehran out of their wits is fun.
It's so much fun, in fact, that an attack destroying Iran's nuclear facilities and the Revolutionary Guard command/control centers has been delayed, so that France (under new management) can get in on the fun too.
On Sunday (9/16), Sarkozy's foreign minister Bernard Kouchner announced ! that "France should prepare for the possibility of war over Iran's nuclear program."
All of this has caused Tehran to respond with maniacal threats. On Monday (9/17), a government website proclaimed that "600 Shihab-3 missiles" will be fired at targets in Israel in response to an attack upon Iran by the US/Israel. This was followed by Iranian deputy air force chief Gen. Mohammad Alavi announcing today (9/19) that "we will attack their (Israeli) territory with our fighter bombers as a response to any attack."
A sure sign of panic is to make a threat that everyone knows is a bluff. So our and Tel Aviv's response to Iranian bluster is a thank-you-for-sharing yawn and a laugh. Few things rattle the mullahs' cages more than a yawn and a laugh.
Yet no matter how much fun this sport with the mullahs is, it is also deadly serious. The pressure build-up on Iran is getting enormous.
Something is going to blow and soon. The hope is that the blow-up will be internal, that the regime will implode from within.
But make no mistake: an all-out full regime take-out air assault upon Iran is coming if that hope doesn't materialize within the next 60 to 90 days. The Sept. 6 attack on Syria was the shot across Iran's bow.
So - what was attacked near Dayr az-Zawr? It's possible it was North Korean "nuclear material" recently shipped to Syria, i.e., stuff to make radioactively "dirty" warheads, but nothing to make a real nuke with as the Norks don't have real nukes (see Why North Korea's Nuke Test Is Such Good News, October 2006).
Another possibility is it was to take out a stockpile of long-range Zilzal surface-to-surface missiles recently shipped from Iran for an attack on Israel.
A third is it was a hit on the stockpile of Saddam's chemical/bio weapons snuck out of Iraq and into Syria for safekeeping before the US invasion of April 2003.
But the identity of the target is not the story - for the primary point of the attack was not to destroy that target. It was to shut down Syria's Russian air defense system during the attack. Doing so made the attack an incredible success.
Syria is shamed and silent. Iran is freaking out in panic.
Defenseless enemies are fun.
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East River People
A guy from eastern South Dakota passed away and left his entire estate to his
beloved widow, but she can't touch it till she's 14.
How do you know when you're staying in an Eastern South Dakota hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I got a leak in my sink," and the
clerk replies, "Go ahead."
How can you tell if an Eastern South Dakota redneck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking
age in Eastern South Dakota to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Eastern South Dakota ?
Documentaries.
An Eastern South Dakota State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-90
and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies " 'Bout wut?"
Did you hear about the NEW $3 million Eastern South Dakota State Lottery?
(Come on - this is funny!)
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
A new law was recently passed in Eastern South Dakota .
When a couple gets divorced,
they are STILL cousins
Matt 10:22 And you will be hated by all men for my names sake; but he who has persevered to the end will be saved
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True Story
Out in Casa Grande Az. the lady whose children this is about, told this story. They lived near the railroad tracks, and the children would play on them, she looked out the window and saw a train coming from over a mile away, she went outside and yelled at the kids to get off the track, the train came through there around 70 miles per hour. Both boys immediately started across the tracks to come home, but the youngest one, got his foot caught when a track closed on it, the brother stopped to help him. The Mother saw something was wrong and began running towards them, when it became obvious the train would get there long before she did, she dropped to her knees, held her hands out and began praying in earnest. Almost at the last second, the older boy dove off the tracks, and into the tall grass at the bottom of the hill the tracks were on, he righted himself and looked back, the train had passed and his brother was gone, he rose up on his knees in prayer, and tears flooded his eyes, when he heard from just a little ways behind him and to his left, the brother say, "we gotta go back and get my shoe!" he spun around in disbelief as the brother got up and dusted himself off. " When did you jump?" he asked incredulously "right behind you, I pulled my foot out of the shoe though" he replied.
The Mother was still on her knees giving thanks for getting both of her sons back alive, she had been unable to take her eyes off them, and saw them both jump in time! The two boys walked back to the tracks, but didn't retrieve the shoe, it had been cut into several pieces.
One of the aftermath's of this was that the boys who were almost always fighting over something, very rarely fought anymore, the older brother being willing now to almost always give the more to his younger brother, so a new peace reigns in their household. She had told this story just a day or so after it's happening at a prayer group, but in Spanish or the Mexican language. I knew whatever the story was had to be really intense, just from the way she told it, and when I mentioned this to one of the other members, he told me what had happened so we all rejoiced with her great blessing! He wrote me for several years after I came back to SD and told me of the change in the boys.
Eccl. 28:22 Many hve fallen by the eddge of the sword, but not as many as have perished by their own tongue.
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TOP TEN THOUGHTS FOR 2007
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use
the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax
cut saves you $0.30?
Number 2
In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the
millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a clue as to
where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe
we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
And the BONUS thought for today
"Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your ass
tomorrow".
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