Notable Witticisms
Notable Witticisms
What is a computer's first sign of old age?
Loss of memory.
What does a baby computer call his father?
Data.
What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
The space bar.
What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.
Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.
What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.
To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.
Computers are not intelligent.
They only think they are.
Blekkpatroner
Computers make very fast, very blekkpatroner mistakes.
My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
John 11:25-26
25. Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live.
26.And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die.Believest thou this?
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Coffee cup Philosophy
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.
All the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself, adds no quality to the coffee in most cases, just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.
What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups...and then began eyeing each other's cups.
Now consider this: Life is the coffee, and the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us."
God brews the coffee, not the cups...enjoy your coffee!
Have a Blessed Day and Smile
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
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Yes or No Movie
>>>Weird Yes or No movie
>http://www.infonegocio.com/xeron/bruno/yesno.swf
>
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Worker Gnome
Become a gnome today at becomeagnome.com
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Scribbling Board!!
Weird scribblinb board, just run your cursor around inside the box!! Enjoy!!!
http://www.neave.com/imagination/
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Power of 10!!!
This is a gorgeous site, sit back and enjoy a show of the universe, done by the power of 10....Absolutely fantastic!!!
Totally disproves Darwin's theory, as it wasw based on the simple cell, whereas a cell is a huge factory!
http://micro.magnet.fsu.edu/primer/java/scienceopticsu/powersof10/index.h tml
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Dark Side Movie
Cute little Movie National Taxpayers Union had made...against the 'Dark Side'
cute!
Like the film "Star Wars?" You'll love our mini-movie! Postage
rates are going up next month, the US Postal Service is
expecting to run a deficit, and mailboxes painted like R2D2, the
loveable droid from "Star Wars" are spring up everywhere. What's
a taxpayer to do? "Use the Force" of the Internet, of course --
(Many thanks to
Bureaucrash for making this possible! No Wookies were harmed in
the making of this film.)
view our 2-minute parody of postal woes here.
http://ga1.org/ct/q1zSfon1BBW6/postoffice_vid
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Time Movie
Also turn on your speakers. It is awesome.
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Icon Attack
A funny thing to watch......enjoy!!
open and watch
http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm
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Laughs
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path.
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It. (I love that one!)
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's.
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous
Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?! The
Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Damn!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Damn! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile
============
Psalm 2:12 Blessed are all they that put their trust in him".....
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Good or Bad Girls
Differences Between Good Girls and Bad Girls
* Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot,
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
* Good girls wax their floors,
Bad girls wax their bikini line.
* Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies,
Bad girls know they could do better.
* Good girls wear white panties,
Bad girls don't wear any.
* Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls,
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
* Good girls pack their toothbrushes,
Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
* Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it,
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it.
* Good girls wear high heels to work,
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
* Good girls say no,
Bad girls say when?
* Good girls go to the party, go home, and then go to bed...
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed, and then go home.
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Seniors
Seniors
I also have this as an e-mail still really good!!
http://www.libertyhigh56.net/special%20pages/seniors/seniors.htm
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Hi Tech Dad!
Birds And Bees with a TwistA little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a Chat Room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your Mom agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said, "You've Got Male."
Sex Jokes
Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him!
Q. How can you tell a head nurse?
A. She's the one with the dirty knees!
Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife...
A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.
Q. What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A. A pubic hair.
Q. How can you tell if you have acne?
A. If the blind can read your face.
Q. Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable?
A. She wanted to mount the horse her way.
Q. How did the tugboat get AIDS?
A. It was rear-ended by a ferry.
Q. How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
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Anyone know?
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Moving Skeleton
Been around before...the moving skeleton...but try it again!! hehe :)
instead of moving the cursor fast... move it slowly for a different effect!
One of the most creative pieces I have seen yet!
Move your cursor & watch what happens, it is delightful and strangely addicting. You won't want to stop playing with it. Just use the pointer and click on one or more of the boxes in the upper right corner. Keep your sound on.
Click here: Le coeur fait boum... Chez Maya ! Or below if you don't like hidden links!
http://www.chezmaya.com/applet/valentin.htm
Matt 1:21 You shall call his name Jesus because he shall save his people from their sins.
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Life??
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit
all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this I will give you a life span of
twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to
be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you
back the other ten?" So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For
this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The
monkey said, "Do tricks for twenty years.....that's a
long time to perform. How about I give you back ten
like the Dog did?" And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You
must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support
the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life
span of sixty years ." The cow said, "That's kind of
a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How
about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And
God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat,
sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years." But man said, "Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the
cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the
ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So---that is why the first twenty years we eat,
sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch
and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
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Amazing Tech!!
If you Check out the U K voices ....
put different languages in you can learn new words in that language.....Pretty nifty..
She will say anything you type (careful now!)
If you Check out the U K voices ....
put different languages in you can learn new words in that language.....Pretty nifty..
I sure don't know how they do this! When you move the mouse around, her
Eyes follow the pointer. laadeedaah
When you write something in the left space and then click on "Say it," she says it!
You can also change persons doing the talking and the language they speak.
Technology! Quite amazing!!!!!!!
http://www.oddcast.com/home/demos/tts/frameset.php?frame1=talk
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For All Ages!!!
This is very clever and informative for all ages...
turn on your sound click on the site below and enjoy it...
http://dingo.care-mail.com/cards/flash/5409/galaxy.swf
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The Panhandlers
Jose & Carlos are panhandling. Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage
free house and has a lot of money.
Carlos only brings in 10 to 15 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every
day.
Jose says "Look at your sign. It says: I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to
support".
"Now look at my sign. It reads, I only need another $10.00 to move back to
Mexico"
Psalm 31:24 "Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD."....
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Good Scare!!
There are two identical pictures that will appear on the screen.
Almost 8,000 people were tested to see if they could find the 3
differences in the two pictures and only 19 found all 3. See how
observant you are. If you find all 3, you're one of very few people
who are able to do this.
> > http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf
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Antique Pics & stuff
A Site with lots of pictures....thumbnails, you can click on and enlarge...dating back to the 1800's of the Natiive American's and Chinese in this country at that time...really a History in pictures...of this area...really interesting stuff!!
http://lcweb2.loc.gov/intldl/mtfhtml/mfdigcol/lists/mtfgrpTitles1.html Chief Big Foot Village in 1890 is 3rd photo on attached list.
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The Curtian Rods
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, & suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come & collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, & feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, & a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each & every room & stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen & left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, airing the whole place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung, & exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time they had to move out for a few days & in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People quit visiting, repairmen refused to work in the house, & the maid quit. Finally they could not take the stench any longer & decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer. Word got out about their stinky house & eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. They finally had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to buy a new place to live.
The ex-wife called the man & asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, then said she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed & within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything up to take to their new home, including the curtain rods. I just love a happy ending, Don't you?......uhhh we are not supposed to seek revenge!!
The greater the sinner the greater the right to God's mercy
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Words of Whiz..dom
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted." Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
During a heated spat over finances, the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Jeremiah 10:23 Lord, I know that the way of man is not in himself: it is not in man that walketh to direct his steps
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A funny thing to watch
A funny thing to watch......enjoy!!
open and watch
http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm
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The Gift that keeps on giving
Stu pid the gift that keeps on giving
"They need help, and we have helped, and we are here to help. And we are helping, and we're going to continue to help." Vice President Dan Quayle, discussing federal help in the Chicago floods
"This is a delightful surprise to the extent that it is a surprise, and it is only a surprise to the extent that we anticipated."- Secretary of State James Baker
Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
Opposing attorney: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. - Official Court Records
Psalm 18:3 My God; my rock of refuge, my shield, the horn of my salvation, my stronghold!
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