The Older Guys
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-art when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."
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Say it's True!
A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there
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Aviation Laffs
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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Note: For those that don't know, "The Sled" is the SR-71 Blackbird spy
plane from the 1960's and still the fastest airplane.
In his book, "Sled Driver", SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll
always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my
back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high.
We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we
entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they
did monitor our movement across their scope.
I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."90 knots" Center
replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots,"
Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that
day as almo st instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52
requests ground speed readout."There was a slight pause, then the response,
"525 knots on the ground, Dusty. "Another silent pause.
As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a
familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was
at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we
were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed
readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... " Aspen , I show
1,742 knots" (That's about 2004.658 mph for those who don't know!)
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency !
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In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a
request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller,
with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you pl an to get up to 60,000
feet?
The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to
it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
-------------------------------------
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed
it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator,
"Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I
use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator
replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will.
--------------------------------------------
When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last month the Army Blackhawk helicopter
used to transport the Senator was given the call sign "Broomstick one". And
they say the Army Pilots have no sense of humor!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around,
and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80
crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back
with: "I made it out of M D80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll
have enough parts for another one."
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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority la nding
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air
Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52
that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
----------------------------------------------
Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the
flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
----------- ------------------------------- --------
"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?
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The White House Fence
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House
in 2007-- a redneck, an African American and a Mexican.
They go together with a White House official to examine the fence.
The black contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for
materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then
says.. "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my
crew and $100 profit for me."
The redneck contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
White House official and whispers, $2,700."
The official, Incredulous, says, "you didn't even measure like the o
ther guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?">
The redneck contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you,
and we hire the Mexican to fix the fence!"
"Done!" replies the government official.
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FEMALE COMPASSION
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, "Have you ever been Screwed?"
The fellow said, "No"
She said, "You will be when the tide comes in!"
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Bad or Terrible...
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which
one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
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What ARE we doing?
1. $11 Billion to $22 billion is spent on welfare to illegal aliens each year.
http://tinyurl.com/zob77
2. $2.2 Billion dollars a year is spent on food assistance programs such as food stamps, WIC, and free school lunches
for illegal aliens.
http://www.cis.org/articles/2004/fiscalexec.html
3. $2.5 Billion dollars a year is spent on Medicaid for illegal aliens.
http://www.cis.org/articles/2004/fiscalexec.html
4. $12 Billion dollars a year is spent on primary and secondary school education for children here illegally and they cannot speak a word of English! http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.0.html
5. $17 Billion dollars a year is spent for education for the American-born children of illegal aliens, known as anchor babies.
http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html
6. $3 Million Dollars a DAY is spent to incarcerate illegal aliens.
http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html
7. 30% percent of all Federal Prison inmates are illegal aliens.
http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html
8. $90 Billion Dollars a year is spent on illegal aliens for Welfare & social services by the American taxpayers.
http://premium.cnn.com/TRANSCIPTS/0610/29/ldt.01.html
9. $200 Billion Dollars a year in suppressed American wages
are caused by the illegal aliens.
http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.html
10. The illegal aliens in the United States have a crime rate that's two and a half times that of white non-illegal aliens. In particular, their children, are going to make a huge additional crime problem in the US
http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0606/12/ldt.01.html
11. During the year of 2005 there were 4 to 10 MILLION illegal aliens that crossed our Southern Border also, as many as 19,500 illegal aliens from Terrorist Countries. Millions of pounds of drugs, cocaine, meth, heroine and marijuana, crossed into the
U. S. from the Southern border. Homeland Security Report:
http://tinyurl.com/t9sht
12. The National Policy Institute, "estimated that the total cost of mass deportation would be between $206 and $230 billion or an average cost of between $41 and $46 billion annually over a five year period."
http://www.nationalpolicyinstitute.org/pdf/deportation.pdf
13. In 2006 illegal aliens sent home $45 BILLION in remittances back to their countries of origin. http://www.rense.com/general75/niht.htm
14. "The Dark Side of Illegal Immigration: Nearly One Million Sex Crimes Committed by Illegal Immigrants In The United States ".
http://www.drdsk.com/articleshtml
The total cost is a whopping . $ 338.3 BILLION DOLLARS A YEAR THE IRAQUI WAR IS $2 BILLION A WEEK OR $104 BILLION
TOTAL FOR A YEAR VS $338.3 BILLION DOLLARS A YEAR FOR THE ILLEGALS. SMALL WONDER THAT OUR ELECTED POLITICIANS HAVE SHIFTED FROM NATIONAL SECURITY, THE ILLEGALS TO INVESTIGATING STEROID USE TO SHOW THAT THEY ARE DOING SOMETHING...TALK ABOUT A SMOKE SCREEN. TIME TO REPLACE ALL OF THEM BY JUST NOT RE-ELECTING ANY OF THEM TO THEIR SAME OFFICE OR ANY OTHER OFFICE AND HAVE THEM RETURN TO CIVILIAN LIFE AND TRY TO LIVE UNDER THE LAWS THAT THEY HELPED PASS...THAT SHOULD BE TERRIFYING FOR THEM,
Are we THAT stupid???
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Colonoscopy!
A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there
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The Nightie
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturaly, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
Closed coffin.
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Smile on your face
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises like your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Always Remember This:
You don't s top laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.
"Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but they
still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of
stairs." -- author unknown
==============================================================
Joke
What do you call 10 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
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Firearm Refresher Course
1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3. Colt : The original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution © 1789. All Rights Reserved.
11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
12. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
14. Guns only have two enemies: Rust and Politicians.
15. Know guns, know peace. No guns, no peace.
16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
17. 911 - government sponsored Dial a Prayer.
18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
19. Criminals love gun control - it makes their jobs safer.
20. If Guns cause Crime, then Matches cause Arson.
21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
22. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
23. Enforce the "gun control laws" in place, don't make more.
24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
25. The American Revolution would never have happened if the colonists had submitted to Gun Control Laws.
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A Good Wife
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached
across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said , "Martha, soon we
will be married 50 years and there's something I have to know. In all of
these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been
unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good
reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never
suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we
were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day
he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for
that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't
have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to
see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no
charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so I of
course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of
your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
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God has a sense of Humor Funnnny!!
STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times 'Now, said the teacher, 'can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?'
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, 'I know! I know!' she said, 'To make the gravy!'
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?'
'No,' replied David. 'How could he, with just two worms?'
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, ' We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?' One child blurted out, 'Aces!'
MOSES &THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.' 'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked. 'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never
Believe it!'
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'
Church Smiles
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. 'Is there anything breakable in here?' asked the postal clerk. 'Only the Ten Commandments,' answered the lady.
Amish Carriage
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... 'Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust.''
The Comforter
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, 'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.' Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said 'Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.'
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk
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Psalm 124:2-3 Had not the Lord been with us- When men rose up against us; then they would have swallowed
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Great to be Retired
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Ft Myers, Florida. They turned a corner and see a sign that says, " Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other, then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... Shaken, not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each other... They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying "That's 40 cents, please"
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Boston," the bartender said, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same."
"Wow!!!! That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "Oh, they're retired teachers. They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price."
Psalm 124:2-3 Had not the Lord been with us- When men rose up against us; then they would have swallowed us alive.
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Country Club
A country club didn't allow women on the golf course.
Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week.
The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club and became very active.
After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men, urinating on the golf course.
Naturally, they just ignored the matter.
After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action.
After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!
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The Billboard
Saw a billboard that said,
"Need help, call Jesus."
1-800-005-3787
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
I did, and a Mexican showed up
with a tow truck !
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Howdy Partner
A little dog followed his owner to school. His owner was a
fourth grader at a public elementary school.
However, when the bell rang,
the dog sidled inside the building and
made it all the way to the child's classroom before a
teacher noticed and shoo'ed him outside, closing the
door behind him.
The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors.
Then God appeared beside the dog,
patted his head and said,
"Don't feel bad lil fella',
they won't let ME in either."
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Blonde's Again hehe
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies "yes."
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said...
FOR BEST RESULTS
PUT ON TWO COATS
=========
Philippians 4:6 Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests know to God.
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Gynecologist Visit
(I know! Out of Character for me...but thought they were funny!)
Gynecologist Visit
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While Doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities."
That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?"
he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."
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A Horse, A Chicken and a Harley
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog
and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the
farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone
to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the
keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping
he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of
rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the
chicken then
drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued
the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and
the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best
Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large
puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down
thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,
saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
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MCCAIN'S REMARKS
JOHN MCCAIN'S REMARKS ABOUT THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE!!! As you may know, I spent five and one half years as a prisoner of war during the Vietnam War. In the early years of our imprisonment, the NVA kept us in solitary confinement or two or three to a cell. In 1971 the NVA moved us from these conditions of isolation into large rooms with as many as 30 to 40 men to a room.
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Mental Health Week
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
Well, my job is done ....Your turn!
HAVE A NICE DAY
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Confessions ???
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box ."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
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There once was a religious young w oman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
"Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
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An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins? "
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."
Jude 1:21 Persevere in God's love , and welcome the mercy of our Lord Jesus christ which leads to life eternal.
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Our Country
JOHN MCCAIN'S REMARKS ABOUT THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE!!! As you may know, I spent five and one half years as a prisoner of war during the Vietnam War. In the early years of our imprisonment, the NVA kept us in solitary confinement or two or three to a cell. In 1971 the NVA moved us from these conditions of isolation into large rooms with as many as 30 to 40 men to a room.
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The Nightie
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
Closed coffin.
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